1) Don’t beat yourself up. You trusted this person. You rolled the dice and took your chances and it didn’t pan out. These things happen. Don’t spend too much time focusing on whether or not the transgressor(s) is remorseful. You need to take this time to focus on yourself so that you can readily prepare for the healing process.
2) You MUST forgive. I know that this really sucks, but this is essential for you to be able to move towards the healing process. Forgiveness often gets a bad rap because it appears that once it is granted, the transgressor will somehow get off scot-free. Nothing could be further from the truth. In theory, forgiveness is relinquishing the right to get even. It simply means that you release the offender from their debt to you. I know that sounds like a tall order, because we really need that debt to be paid. Preferably in a pound of flesh and cold blood, thank you! But if that happens, relief is not the byproduct. It only breeds the appetite for more suffering and shame. It is still not an easy thing to do. We must look to the One who is the Author of forgiveness in order to learn how to do it properly. And let’s face it; He’s had lots of practice as He has forgiven many a transgression that was not due to Him by us. Once we keep that in perspective, forgiveness might not be such a difficult thing to grant after all.
3) Cry as often and as fervently as you need to. Do not stifle this by trying to put on a tough guy/girl faÃ?Â§ade. Our tears are a way of purging, and they are also very useful in allowing us to feel all of the things that we feel. The hurt, the betrayal, the rejection and the humiliation among other things. It is important to remember that throughout this process you will experience many emotions. It is also important to remember that our emotions are just that-emotions. They have no intellect and they are very much like the weather in that they will probably change every ten minutes or so. Let the tears flow and when people ask what the matter is, you can reply as sweetly as you can; “I’m healing.” Because that is exactly what you are doing!
4) After the crying, make sure that you take time to reaffirm yourself. The crying in and of itself will take a lot out of you emotionally and after you have experienced the negative feelings, you will need to remind yourself how wonderful and valuable that you are. Hey, you took a chance and gave it your all. It didn’t work out, but that is hardly your fault. You loved with reckless abandon and most folks can’t make that claim. More importantly you survived a horrible devastation. The key word being ‘survived’. That is reason enough to celebrate. It is very crucial to remember to be kind to yourself during this time. After the purging, you must rebuild your self-esteem otherwise you can delve deeper into a depression that will not be so easy to shake off.
5) Remove all toxic and unsupportive people from your inner circle. While you take the time to rebuild your self-esteem and redefine your self worth the last thing that you need are your so-called “friends” telling you how they knew he was no good from the start and how stupid you were for not seeing all of the red flags before it was too late. Just because the relationship has ended does not mean that your feelings have instantaneously dissipated. You still care and even though this loved one has disappointed you greatly, and it is still tough to hear awful things about him. Hearing how dumb you were or how your judgment was sorely lacking will not aid in making you feel better about yourself.
6) Take all the time that you need. Grieving is a cycle. It is something that is done in stages and some of those stages might repeat. Some stages may last longer than others. Patience is of the utmost importance now. That is another reason why you need only have emotionally supportive, non-punishing people around you now. Impatient ones will grow weary of the process and in their frustration can become abusive and/or insensitive.
7) Finally, allow yourself to be opened to the possibility to love again. I once read that “Man’s rejection is God’s protection.” Never a truer statement has been uttered. It is important that we don’t get bogged down in being a perpetual victim. Love is possible again, and once you are ready it will definitely appear. When the time is right, God will send someone into your life who will love you according to His Grand Design.