We start off with BIGGS, WEDGE, and an UNKNOWN GREEN-HAIRED SLAVE GIRL raiding the town of NARSHE to find what they believe to be a frozen ESPER. They FIND IT, but BIGGS and WEDGE DISAPPEAR.
Biggs: I guess that’s the way it is in show business- “Here today, gone today.”
THE UNKNOWN SLAVE GIRL COMMUNICATES with the MINTY-FRESH ESPER, and she REGAINS CONTROL of herself. HOWEVER, THE EMPIRE comes looking for their SLAVE GIRL and she RUNS.
Terra: Okay, I know there’s a slew of sex jokes that revolve around the whole “slave” thing, but let me reiterate that I am NOT EASY. I swear, me and Celes are just frien- ……..er… oops.
LOCKE, with the assistance of MOG and a bunch of MOOGLES, rescues TERRA.
Terra: Ooh, my knight in shining… bandanas.
They become FUGITIVES, and KING EDGAR and his twin brother SABIN join up. They make their way to the RETURNER’S HIDEOUT. EDGAR HITS ON TERRA, and she BRUSHES HIM OFF LIKE ERASER SHAVINGS.
Terra: Buzz off, creep.
Edgar: Heey, c’mon! It’s my duty to please that booty.
The RETURNERS leave the HIDEOUT and are SPLIT UP. LOCKE infultrates the town of SOUTH FIGARO and rescues CELES.
Celes: Thus begins my sordid story of falling for the dashing thief- err, treasure hunter.
Locke: And what a treasure I found! Woo-hoo!
SABIN washes ashore someplace. He recruits SHADOW, and they head to DOMA CASTLE. KEFKA, the CACKLING TWIT, POISONS THE WATER SUPPLY OF DOMA AND EVERYBODY EXCEPT CYAN DIES A SLOW, PAINFUL, BUT NOT TOO DISGUSTING DEATH. CYAN, the template for STEINER, joins SABIN and SHADOW and they RUN.
Sabin: Geez, we do a lot of running in this story.
Shadow: Oh, quiet. It’s good for our undeveloped legs.
SHADOW leaves of his own accord and GAU joins up as soon as SABIN gives the lil’ guy some FOOD.
Gau: GAU GAU!!! Gau must feed on blood of innocent! Or chicken wings.
TERRA, BANON, and EDGAR take a HIKE to NARSHE. EVERYBODY MEETS UP IN ARVIS’ PLACE, and decide to make a stand against the incoming IMPERIAL TROOPS. On their way there, everyone CHEWS THE FAT and TERRA talks with CELES about LOVE.
Celes: Yep, this would be the catalyst for many a Lemon Fanfiction.
ANYWHO, the RETURNERS fight and DEFEAT the IMPERIAL TROOPS, PAC-MAN STYLE.
Kefka: Gya! Curse you and your ability to move around a maze of rocks with a lot of right angles!
Following victory, the group gathers around the FROZEN ESPER. TERRA FREAKS OUT, TURNS INTO SOME SHINY MULTI-COLORED THING, AND FLIES OFF ERRATICALLY.
Edgar: Whoa, did you see that!?
Cyan: Yea, who knew Terra had such power within her?
Edgar: Not THAT! Her CLOTHES! They DISAPPEARED!
Celes: ‘smacks him upside the head’
The group FOLLOWS TERRA TO ZOZO. There they find a bedridden TERRA and an OLD GUY named RAMUH. RAMUH is an ESPER, and explains that TERRA is HALF ESPER, HALF HUMAN. He then tells the group about MAGICITE, and how the EMPIRE is SUCKING THEIR MAGIC DRY. RAMUH SORT OF DIES IN A PG-13 KIND OF WAY AND TURNS INTO MAGICITE.
Ramuh: If you’re 12 or under, forget about it. You can’t take the emotional strain.
Trying to figure out what to do next, the group heads to the OPERA HOUSE. The IMPRESARIO complains that his lead actress, MARIA, is in grave danger of being abducted by SETZER, the WANDERING GAMBLER. CELES, who coincidentally looks EXACTLY LIKE MARIA, TAKES HER PLACE IN THE SHOW AND DOES A KICK-ASS JOB.
Celes: All of those commercials I did in the eighties must’ve paid off.
SETZER INTERRUPTS THE SHOW AND ABDUCTS CELES. Her posse follows and stows away on SETZER’S AIRSHIP, the BLACKJACK. Even though he’d just commited a CRIME, everyone WAVES IT OFF and SETZER joins up. The group now controls the FLYING CASINO.
Locke: Go fish!
Celes: Locke honey, we’re playing POKER.
Edgar: Yeah, STRIP POKER!
Celes: ‘smacks him upside the head again’
They go to VECTOR and sneak into the MAGITEK FACTORY. EVERY CAPTIVE ESPER GIVES ITS LIFE AND EACH TURN INTO MAGICITE. Grabbing the MAGICITE, the RETURNERS RUN AWAY AGAIN. CELES pulls some FUNKY MOJO and DISAPPEARS with KEFKA and HIS GUARDS. CID HELPS EVERYONE ESCAPE.
Sabin: Will the running ever stop?
Setzer: Why are YOU complaining, Freakzilla?
Setzer: …Big Poppa Pump?
Setzer: …The big bad booty daddy?
Sabin: I don’t follow.
Setzer: Geez, I guess wrestling references are pretty much lost on you, huh?
Sabin: Holla if ya hear me!!!
Everyone returns to ZOZO and TERRA AWAKENS. They travel to the SEALED GATE leading to the ESPER WORLD. It OPENS, and the ESPERS GO WILD.
Setzer: To order “Espers gone wild,” send billing information to Memphis, Tennessee, P.O. Box 169411. Caution: Contains material not suitible for younger viewers.
THE ESPERS PUT VECTOR INTO RUINS. EMPEROR GESTAHL has a CHANGE OF HEART and has DINNER with the RETURNERS. He requests the RETURNERS to track down and convince the ESPERS that he wants to make PEACE. LOCKE, TERRA, LEO, SHADOW, and CELES are sent to THAMASA. They find the ESPERS, but EMPEROR GESTAHL turns out to be a LYING SON OF A BASTARD. KEFKA TURNS THE ESPERS INTO MAGICITE AND KILLS GENERAL LEO.
Leo: It’s kind of ironic that the most popular Final Fantasy characters are the ones who take dirt naps.
Aeris: Yeah, it did wonders for me.
Selphie: Heey, maybe Rinoa should try it! C’MERE, MISSY!!!
Rinoa: NOOOOO!!!! AAAAIIIEEEEEE!!!! ‘runs like hell’
Selphie: Come back here! Your approval rating will go through the ROOF! ‘chases her’
GESTAHL AND KEFKA RAISE THE TRIANGLE ISLAND AND IT BECOMES THE FLOATING CONTINENT. Gaining control of the STATUES, the ORIGIN OF ALL MAGIC, KEFKA KILLS GESTAHL. The group tries to stop him, but the FLOATING CONTINENT starts to BREAK APART and everyone HIGH-TAILS IT. THE BLACKJACK BREAKS IN HALF LIKE A KIT-KAT BAR. EVERYONE IS SEPARATED. KEFKA DESTROYS THE WORLD.
Celes: NO! The story ain’t finished yet! ‘smacks the narrator’
OW. ‘AHEM’ ANYWAY, CELES AWAKENS ONE YEAR LATER to find the WORLD in RUINS. GRANDPA CID DIES. CELES COMMITS SUICIDE BY JUMPING OFF A CLIFF.
Celes: Will you STOP IT?! ‘smacks him again’
MAN, THAT SMARTS. ‘AHEM’ CELES SURVIVES THE SUICIDE ATTEMPT. As the NEW MAIN CHARACTER, she travels on a raft to the BIZZARO WORLD. EVERYONE REGROUPS, AND EACH GOES THROUGH HIS OR HER OWN QUEST OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. They all head to KEFKA’S TOWER for a FINAL ASSAULT. Everyone makes a SPEECH, then TAKE TURNS SMACKING AROUND KEFKA.
Kefka: Heey! No fair! It’s like, 14 on one!
Locke: Who said we had to play fair?
THE GROUP DEFEATS KEFKA. THEY RUN AWAY AGAIN, BEFORE KEFKA’S TOWER TURNS INTO ONE BIG SCRAPYARD. MAGIC DISAPPEARS FROM THE WORLD. TERRA SURVIVES AND BECOMES FULLY HUMAN. THE WORLD BECOMES GREEN ONCE AGAIN. BIRDS FLY AROUND A LOT. IN THE MOMENT THAT INSPIRED JAMES CAMERON’S TITANIC, TERRA STANDS AT THE FRONT END OF THE AIRSHIP AND LETS DOWN HER HAIR.
Terra: I refuse to say “I’m the king of the world!”
Celes: You just did.
Sabin: All right, finally. Now I can rest from all that running.