The hunky fella who changes the water cooler each week at your office finally asked you out. He wants to take you out to dinner. You shout “Woo Hoo!” and tell you’re the folks in neighboring cubicles about your big date with the Culligan Man. But then, the “Oh no! What do I order for dinner dilemma” sets in.
Face it girls. As much as we can totally pig out around each other and even our close guy buds, that’s just simply something we cannot do on a first date. Not to mention, we want to keep clean! With a bib on, he won’t be able to see your plunging neckline. (And believe me…we want to tease him with a tad bit of our cleavage!) So, follow these few rules and there will be no running to the little girls room to put a dab of your portable stain stick on a splotch of French dressing, and you’ll leave that restaurant with a clean shirt!
No spaghetti! As romantic as that scene in Lady and the Tramp was, you simply cannot order spaghetti, fettuccini or long noodle on a first date. Reason being? Pasta can be difficult to finagle. You twirl and twirl the aldente noodles around your fork, only to have the whole bowl end up wrapped around your utensil. So then, you must shake it off your fork, and grab a smaller proportion of pasta and begin again. Finally you get a decent fork-full and take a bite. But – a strand of pasta comes loose from your roll, and lands on your chin. Embarrassed that you have a piece of your dinner protruding out of your mouth, you now must suck the noodle up. And you can’t do that nonchalantly either since it will make a smacking noise that isn’t all that attractive. Plus, remnants of the tomato sauce will be left upon that cute dimple on your chin. Plain and simple, the act of eating spaghetti can lead to a feeding fiasco. If you are a pasta fanatic and must get your fix, stick to farfalle (in layman’s terms, that’s bow-tie pasta!)
No wings! They don’t hand out moist towelettes by the handful at local wing establishments because they smell nice. Duh! What that means, is wings are the messiest food known to man. Whether you order mild, barbeque or “Call 9-1-1”, they will be caked with sloppy sauce. If you thought a drip of spaghetti sauce on your chin was bad, wait till you see what a dozen wings will do. The wing sauce will be all over your chin, all over your hands, under your freshly manicured fingernails and maybe on your brand new blouse. To top things off, if you are chowing down on hot wings, your eyes might start to water causing your mascara to run. Your nose may also start to run, and ooops! You are out of napkins because you already went through the entire dispenser attempting to clean off your hands. And there’s nothing like a piece of chicken skin getting caught between your two front teeth. Face it. Wings are great fun when you are at home watching a movie with pals, but feasting on a bucket of them out in public with a new man can lead to utterly embarrassing moment. Stick to the breast. (He may like that anyway.)
No cheese steaks, hoagies, burgers, French dips or anything slapped between two slices of bread. Perhaps these seem like an easy and obvious choice when ordering, but they too can be disastrous. Everybody knows that when you bite into a hearty sandwich, stuff squirts out the other side. And, if you are not carefully indulging over your plate, the squirted stuff will make a crash landing in your lap. Grease from cheese steaks and hamburgers drip. Ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise and other condiments drip. Want to be drip free? Stay away from messy sandwiches. If you still feel the need for slices of stuff between bread, have a grilled cheese.
No tacos or burritos. See Rule #3 regarding drippage. (Not to mention the aftermath…)
No ice cream cones. Okay, this falls under dessert, but we must advise you that if you want a frozen treat, order it in a dish. If you get a triple scoop of chocolate ice cream on a cake cone, you are in trouble. If it is a hot day at the roadside ice cream stand, the ice cream could very well melt, because as any rocket scientist knows, that is what frozen stuff does. It melts. So, since you will be having stimulating conversation while you lick your cone, you will not be eating very fast. Meanwhile, the ice cream is melting and dripping down the cone, down your arm, clear to your elbow. Now, your arm is sticky. And the napkins really don’t do sticky stuff justice. You have to excuse yourself to the bathroom to use the sink. But wait…most ice cream stands don’t have public restrooms. This is why you must stick to a dish. Your drips stay contained, and your arm stays smooth and dry.
WHAT THE HELL DO I EAT THEN?
Your best bet? Order a dish featuring steak, or a filet of chicken or fish. These two items can be easily cut with a knife and fork into bite-size pieces that easily fit into your mouth. These dishes usually come with vegetables that can also be easily placed on the palate. Any item of this nature is a sure bet for a mess-free first date. Soon though, you’ll no longer have to worry about condiments dripping on your crotch, tomatoes falling down your blouse or getting a barbeque stain on your white t-shirt…because after a few good dates you’ll be smearing chocolate sauce and whipped cream all over each other.