Two people meet and an instant magic seems to devour them.They
date, live together, marry, have kids and divorce.
It all seems very normal for today’s society since we see this happening everyday.
Sometimes it goes even farther than this. After the divorce come the laws, lies, anger, disappointment and the pain of seeing it all happen after loving so much that person that has made your life hell.
Thousands of texts, books and articles have been written by people who wanted to help those in despair before such problems, which are very difficult to live, extremely exasperating and tiring.
Then there came those books to help those in distress to make a new start, to believe in love again and start looking for a person who is best suited for them, since the bad choice was already made in the past.
In all this help and care for the divorced, we forget to mention that the person they will meet to make their new start is also a human being, and not only a new start.
A PERSONAL ANECDOTEAs
I am writing this, I also live this situation. I am the second Love of the Life of a Divorced Dad.
Understanding that a divorced dad or mom needs to think of many survival points to not get into trouble when he is still in war with his ex, the new girlfriend or boyfriend has a tendency of not knowing how many concessions he is allowed to make to not get totally lost in the partner’s life.
Reading a lot to understand his world I came across some interesting articles for him.
In this one from About.com, they give tips for divorced dads who wish to date. I’ll make it very short, but if you wish to read the entire article check: http://fatherhood.about.com/cs/divorceddads/a/dating.htm
So according to Wayne Parker a divorced dad must:
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Be careful of the bar and club scene.
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Networking still works.
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Volunteer! (Volunteer?!)
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Internet Dating.
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Beware of dating people at work. (Beware of The Ides of March!!)
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Do be positive and upbeat.
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Don’t dwell on your ex-spouse.
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Do take it slow.
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Don’t get competitive with your ex-spouse. (This is so rightÃ¢Â?Â¦)
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Don’t get serious on the rebound. (Who can tell? Totally disagree; it depends of who you are, who you’ve met and what you are ready for.)
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Don’t be afraid of rejection.
Ã¢Â?Â¢ “She is a friend.” (He must be kidding meÃ¢Â?Â¦)
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Don’t introduce them to everyone or too early. (OopsÃ¢Â?Â¦)
Ã¢Â?Â¢ No overnight visitors. (Oh noÃ¢Â?Â¦do it all in day time! If you want to see your loved one at night take a sleeping pill!)
Ã¢Â?Â¢ Talk and listen a lot. (Otherwise, you’ll be punished!)
I don’t believe that I need to say that I do not agree with this list. But really even though it is good to have a guide line I don’t think there is a “list” to follow.
Still, did you see anything about the girl like “Ask her how she is feeling from time to time” or “How will you react when your kids make a fuss over your girlfriend.” or “How to deal when your kid loves intensely your girlfriend and you don’t know how long your relationship will last” or “Help your girlfriend to get into your world, understanding how it works and helping her adapt.”?
I have a feeling you haven’t.
You know why? Because the one who suffers and needs help is the dad and the new comer must take it all, right?
Wrong. And God knows how hard it is to know that a traumatized person can be extremely hostile to someone who never done him or her wrong and not know what to do.
How much can we take? How much can we tell?
IN SEARCH OF BOOKSSearching
maybe for books to help those like me, who found love inside a broken family, I wrote “dating divorce people” in the search bar of Amazon.com, one of the great online book stores in the world.
I had 29 results. None of them were written for the “Intruders”, or in other words those dating divorced people.
But many were meant for the divorced to find us.
Maybe I am just using the wrong keywords, but really, what should we use as keywords?
A TOUGH CONCLUSIONWe
are the targets, and as in every battle do we really care about targets?
They suffer, struggle to have their kids, to be a parent, to settle down in life and try to start it all over with a person who will bring them a little sunshine to their lives in those hard times.
But we forget that when we love we live each other’s lives and share their pain as if they were our own.
Those who see in a divorced person a possibility to also start life are meant to be strong, flawless and better than the first.
Last night, I saw for the first time my loved one cry over the problems around his baby girl. His ex doesn’t allow him to stay with her for over two weekends in a month and he is afraid that the little one will think he is the one who doesn’t want to be with her.
What was I to do? What could the sunshine I brought him ever do to ease this pain?
The only thing I could do is let him do and let him come to me when he was feeling better whether he wanted to talk or not. I wouldn’t have forced him to say anything. I just wanted him to know that I am there for him whatever happens.
Finally, I’ve come to the conclusion that we are forgotten loves or theirs lives who need to adapt our lives to theirs to live the love we bear for them.
We sacrifice our ideals of a perfect love to simply love an imperfect person who deserves the purity of our love better than a person who has never lived the loss of a love they thought would last forever.
Maybe we should just sue Disney for making us believe our love life would be like Cinderella’s.
I wonder what she would have done if her prince were a divorced dad too.