One morning, after the fact, you wake up and realize you’re married. There is no day after pill. You feel like it all happened so fast, like you weren’t even really there for the decision making. Right then her obese cat pukes up a hairball on your side of the bed. On one side of the bed are her three kids, one of which you fathered. On the other side of the bed you see the dog has just dragged its brown ass across the bedspread again. Hmm.
This wasn’t supposed to happen to you, but now you are stunned. The possibility of getting married always stayed on the horizon for you, as in, when you turned 50 and she (who hadn’t even been born yet) graduated college. You are looking for an answer just like Darryl Strawberry’s rehab counselor. What happened? Believe it or not, nothing happened that you didn’t ask for. Or at least nothing happened that she didn’t plant in your head. She put a meme in your head, my man.
A new science is emerging called memetics. Women have always known how to use these “memes” to their advantage. Memes are like genes, only in your brain. Memes are ideas that replicate from mind to mind. Since you never had the marriage ‘meme’ before you met her, it kind of makes you wonder how it got there. Undertstand something: she planted it there and it started to grow like a choking vine. She gave you plenty of water (sex) and food (malt liquor) to help it grow. The meme grew strong and took hold of you like a parasitic tapeworm, in control from the inside out.
You found yourself in the mall looking at expensive jewelry. You bought a diamond even after you read the article that said buying diamonds supports modern slavery. That’s how powerful the marriage meme is, kind of like rabies. Kind of like a cataract, it gives you tunnel vision.
As much as the Married-n-Bored crowd would like to blame her for the marriage, you know that’s not entirely true. As if you were a ship in a violent sea, you were drawn to the lodestone rock that would destroy you. You could not avoid it. Let’s look at the pre-marriage instant replay to see how it happened.
1.) You were hungry: After several years of eating the same three meals that you knew how to prepare, you were blown away when she followed up Chicken Parmesan one night with Chicken Marsala the next. At the time, she seemed like some kind of white wizard of the kitchen from Lord of the Rings. That food she made for you fed the marriage meme inside your head and brought you closer to the wedding.
2.) You were a slob: She cleaned your apartment one day while you were getting loaded at happy hour. Waking up the next day to a clean apartment made you feel good. You found the TV remote on the coffee table instead of a pizza box. She gave you head in the shower still wearing those rubber gloves. The art of seduction is a game of tricks. Only later on did you realize that you actually enjoyed having Papa John’s five nights a week and using your sock as a napkin.
3.) Cheating made you feel bad: You slept with the counter girl at Home Depot and told your girlfriend that you were buying something to kill that creeping charlie on the lawn. She believed you, now you feel bad, especially after you went back to Home Depot and had sex again. You were ashamed of doing it and swore you would never do it again, yet somehow you still fantasize about that little ho on the pallet-jack while you make love to your wife.
4.) “She won’t change!”: What a preciously naÃ?Â¯ve man you were back then, thinking that marriage would not change her at all. An old saying says, “A woman marries a man expecting he’ll change and he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.” She changed the minute you said, “I do.” If you heard something as you drove away after the wedding, that wasn’t the tuxedo receipt flying out the window, that was her pussy saying goodbye.
5.) Slow torture of passive-aggression: She knows how to leverage your weaknesses, meaning she knows how to use sex to achieve her goals. The silent treatment, a staple of every marriage, is simply classic passive-aggression, and you respond to the bait like a large-mouth bass after a shiny new jig. If the silent treatment doesn’t bring you around to her point of view fast enough, she resorts to the threat of leaving you and you eventually crumble like a bundt cake at Rosie O’Donell’s house. Then you make grandiose promises, you’ll say anything, you’ll get married, if only to please your precious love.
In the end, the marriage meme bores a hole into the front of your head and does a temporary lobotomy on you. Three to six months after the wedding, reality seizes you once again when your body craves pizza. However, you will be much happier if you just go with the flow and accept your role, and that role is to agree. I say again: your role is to agree with her. In the event you do not agree with her, you and her work things out until you come around to agree with her.
Helping put the pieces together,