Memoirs of an Intern: Things Take an Unfortunate Turn

Having worked in the artificially lit cubicle colony for over a month, I have come to grips with the fact that I am the Intern. While the position of Intern is one that requires courage, strength, and character, it also requires a lack of pride. Thankfully, I have full marks in all the requirements. I accepted this job, and, as a result, I get all the tasks that the people in the office don’t want to do. They give me jobs that they don’t like, a fact that is an ironclad guarantee that I won’t like the jobs either.

I have bought lunches, coffee, newspapers, cigarettes, and socks; I have printed, stapled, photocopied, collated, and shredded. All of these things done with the utmost of care; all of them done upon request. However, last week, things took an unfortunate turn, as the mundane jobs that I dreaded became heavenly compared to what I had to face.

“I have a job for you. It’s not pretty but you’re going to do it anyway.” This is how one of my coworkers introduced the job to me. It was not the most appetizing of descriptions. Here’s the ugly scenario: Picture a refrigerator, but not a full size on, but instead a small one that you might find in a dorm room. Someone had placed cans of orange Monster energy drink and Diet Coke in the refrigerator. So far, that’s not too bad. However, someone else then proceeded to decrease the temperature in the refrigerator to “freeze.” This facilitated the explosion of every one of the twelve various cans in the refrigerator.

“Take the refrigerator to the office kitchen and clean it out.” Crap.

After somehow managing to drag the refrigerator to the kitchen without leaking gummy orange energy/cola goop everywhere, I hoisted the bulky, black refrigerator onto the edge of the sink and attempted to empty it’s nasty contents into the sink. After removing the exploded cans and covering myself in smelly energy drink and cola wastewater, I tried to clean out the inside of the icebox with Green Glow (all natural, non-toxic, thank god, because I probably inhaled several balloons worth).

It was at this point, with the refrigerator still balanced precariously on the edge of the sink, that I realized the back of the refrigerator was leaking fluid. However, it was not that orange-brown Monster-Coke with a hint of caffeine. No, it was the yellow-black of motor oil. The freezing and explosion must have damaged the engine or cooling unit of the refrigerator, for it’s rubber tubes were dripping oil.

It is bad enough that the intern must play janitor and deal with the exploding refrigerator. Previously, I had to just clean it out, but now I had to convince the boss that it was indeed broken, and get permission to throw it away. If only I were getting paid as well as maintenance workers.

After my boss reluctantly agreed to get rid of the fridge, I placed it on the floor and stood over it. The beast I had just conquered was resting at my feet and it’s blood, which I had spilled, was pooling on the floor around it. I was triumphant. I wrapped it up in plastic bags and put it outside for the true maintenance workers to deal with. I was about to treat myself with a trip to the bathroom to wash my face, when I returned to the kitchen and realized that it was a mess. Used paper towels were strewn everywhere and the floor was covered with orange, brown, green, yellow, and black. Then I promptly spent the next three hours cleaning the kitchen.

All-in-all, the exploding refrigerator incident taught me many things, one of which is to never assume that you are above any job. Take what you can get. Do your best at whatever task you are assigned. As I sit, content with the lack of oil and energy drink stains on my clothes, I await my urinal cleaning assignments.