Men Abused- by the Women They Love

You come in the door and greet your partner. “Hi Honey, I’m home. I missed you.’ The response you get shows you the night is going to be a long and dreadful one. “Where the hell have you been, your 15 minutes late you piece of trash.” You duck as a plate goes flying past your head and crashes into the wall behind you. No this isn’t a women being abused by her husband/boyfriend it is what lots of men encounter everyday by their wife’s/girlfriends.

Do you know a man abused by his spouse? Are you the male being abused? Or maybe you’re the woman doing the abusing. There is all forms and levels of abuse physical and emotional. And though most men will not talk about there partner abusing them you can be assured that it happens. Equally as many men if not more are assaulted or emotionally abused by their wife’s or girlfriends as vise versa.

The “hen-pecked” man abused by his wife has been the brunt of jokes and cartoons forever. But this is just usually going and coming where and when she says. The abuse though can be much worse. In our society we think of women as the victims and men as the aggressors in physical abuse. But that is not true. It is just that most men do not report or even talk about the abuse they endure.

Why would a man who is usually bigger then his spouse let her abuse him? That has many answers. Some will not try and stop them because they are afraid of hurting her, or because it would just make her even angrier.
Why do they not report it? They are ashamed to report being abused by women, our justice system sometimes takes the word of the woman above the word of the man in abuse cases. It is just more believable that the aggressor was the man, not the woman; men will tolerate more pain than women they are more likely to grin and bear it. And again, many are ashamed to seek medical help for abuse, unless a woman uses a weapon (and many do), a woman usually does not have the strength of a man to inflict serious injury by abuse. I have known men who have called 911 and when the police arrive they are arrested instead of her because she says they abused her and the police would not listen when the man try to tell that it was the other way around.

There are many types of female abusers there are those who constantly blame the man for everything. If the kids fight its the man fault for not being there to break them up, if they can’t pay the bills it is the mans fault even though he works everyday in some cases its really because the wife has spent the money on things not needed but she will never admit to that instead she will blame the man for not working more. Women also physically abuse men. They may throw things at them, bite them, hit them cut them with knives and kick them. Then tell them go ahead and call the police your the one who will go to jail. if the man threatens to leave them because they are tired of it all the women will use the kids and money as a way to keep them there saying “Go ahead leave you’ll never see your kid again and I’ll take half your money for child support.

What type of women are abusive? The characteristics of men or women who are abusive are known to fall into three categories.

Alcohol Abuse is a major cause and trigger in domestic violence. People, who are intoxicated have less impulse control, are easily frustrated, have greater misunderstandings and are generally prone to resort to violence as a solution to problems. Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics.

Psychological Disorders there are certain psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent toward men. Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis that is found almost exclusively with women. Approximately 1 to 2 percent of all women have a Borderline Personality disorder. At least 50% of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with women who have a Borderline Personality disorder or bipolar disease. The disorders are also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and alcohol abuse.

Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions, Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men. These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration and irritability which they attribute to a man’s behavior. In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, and trauma during childhood or even withdrawal from alcohol. They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable. They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment. Instead of helping themselves, they blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol. When men can’t make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.

For those men who are unfortunate enough to be in an abusive relationship remember this please. There is nothing to be ashamed of in reporting abuse or asking for help and it is definitely not politically incorrect or wrong to walk away from a woman who is abusing you instead of hitting her back. Doing this is an admirable trait. The more you speak out and are seen the more that men will want to break the vicious cycle as much as women wish to.
It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women from their abusive husbands or partners. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security and to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.

To help protect the rights and safety of abused husbands, greater social awareness and understanding is needed. Social and legal reforms are also warranted to ensure that abusive women are held to the same standard of law as abusive men when they attack their intimate partner. In addition, the shroud of shame and secrecy placed on husband abuse needs to be lifted and their plight be recognized as serious and legitimate.
If you are a abused male the advice given to women is the same advice you need to follow. Report the abuse; get out of the situation the abuse will rarely stop. Someone who abuses feels powerful and will rarely stop just because things might improve in life because there are always problems and trouble in life you never know what will set a abuser off into a rampage and you shouldn’t have to live your life walking on eggshells waiting for the next episode. If children are involved this makes it even more of reason to get out. Even if the children are not the ones being personally abused they are still being abused by seeing and hearing all the fighting. If you won’t get out for yourself then at least do it for your children. They are the future of the world and children carry on what they see there parents do and the abusive cycle needs to be broken.

If you are concerned about whether you are in an abusive relationship (man or woman), answer these questions, considered to be warning signs of a problems.

Does she have mood swings, where one moment she’s feel loving and affectionate, and the next moment angry and threatening? Has she humiliated you in front of others? Does she anger easily when drinking or on drugs? During conflict does she often threaten or ignore you, destroy personal property or sentimental items, slam doors, or leave? Has she threatened to hurt you or the children? Has she ever used physical violence (scream at, slap, punch, hit, kick, grab, shove, shake, choke, bite or otherwise abuse) you, the children or any past partners? Has she used or threatened to use a weapon against you? Is she a very jealous person? Does she regularly accuse you of being unfaithful? Does she “track” all of your time? Does she try to control how you think, dress, who you see, how you spend your time, how you spend your money? Does she try to discourage you from seeing your family or friends? Does she get angry or resentful when you are successful in a job or hobby? Does she prevent you from working or attending school? Does her conversation ever escalate into threats of separation or divorce? Does she ever threaten to hurt you, herself, or others, if you talk about leaving her? Does she criticize you for little things? Does she do or say things that are designed to make you feel “incompetent”, “crazy” or “stupid”? Does she blame alcohol, drugs, stress, the children, others, especially you, or other life events for her behavior? Does she feel guilty after aggressive behavior and strive for your forgiveness? Does she think that she could never live without you, yet other times want you out? Does she force you to have sex against your will? Does she use sex or other favors as a way to make up after conflict? Does she control all finances and force you to account in detail for what you spend? Are you sometimes afraid of her?

If you answered yes 2 or more of these questions, you are in a potentially abusive relationship and should talk with police, social services (especially if children are getting abused), a therapist, minister or friend. Remember domestic violence is a crime against HUMANITY, not gender.

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