Ooh You Stink!

I don’t smoke. Never have. But I’m not one of those sanctimonious militant/radical anti smoking people Nazies. I’m from the old school where the motto was smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em. Having said that there are a couple of things about smoking that do bother me and frankly I wish that most people would consider them as common sense and just not go there.

Now, I understand that your butt has to go somewhere when you’re done with it and that’s understandable. I just prefer that you don’t use my coffee cups, the kitchen sink, or worse a soda pop can. I think the closest I’ve ever come to committing wifeacide was when she put her skanky old cigarette out in my soda can. If you don’t already know let me be the first to tell you that Camel cigarette butts mixed with soda pop doesn’t begin to qualify as being what I would call a “taste treat”.

Teeming overflowing ashtrays full of mouldering butts also do not fit anywhere in my description of “room deodorizers”, or things I like to smell on a regular basis especially when they’re on the table while I’m eating, in my bed when I’m trying to sleep or generally anywhere else within a hundred and fifty foot radius of my breathing apparatus which ain’t in the best of shape on a good day.

Don’t even get me started on cigar smokers. I always thought that people who insisted on smoking stogies in public especially in places like elevators and cars etc should be held down and forced to endure a lit ceegar suppository.

What is it with smokers that they feel compelled to light one up the second they get into an enclosed vehicle? Couldn’t you have sucked down that coffin nail before you got in the car? Have you ever gotten into a car after someone has been smoking and the smoke had soured? If I had a choice I’d take dead bodies or rotten eggs over that smell. My god people! Can’t you smell that?

Truth is I didn’t start out to write this article about cigarette smoking. I started out to write about my son’s choice of deodorant which made me think of other things that stank and well I guess I got a little carried away. Now that I’ve smoothly segued into the real story behind the story here goes;

Axe deodorant is the Old Spice of the new generation. Have you smelled this stuff? It smells like industrial strength cleaning solvents mixed with athlete’s foot spray with a little pinch of bug spray and essence of skunk thrown in, (in case the other fumes didn’t kill you the first time).

My son takes 45 minute showers presumably to remove offending odors. Then he proceeds to coat himself thoroughly with at least ten layers of this stuff. Every time he takes a shower we’ve got to open all the windows and doors and let the place air out so we don’t choke to death. I’ve tried to explain to him that if he’d just use a washcloth and some of that stuff they call soap he probably wouldn’t have to use quite so much stink spray. He thinks that stuff smells good. Problem is so do all of his friends. You get more than two of them in the same spot and you’ve got to wear a gas mask to survive. I have read the Axe can and can see no where in the directions where it says “Minimum dosage: 5 gallons at a time”.

So once again, in my never ending quest to “get rich quick” I have come up with another gazillion dollar idea. I’m thinking of mixing a batch of Axe, mixed with Old Spice, Rose water, Pine Sol, turpentine and some essence of pissed off skunk and marketing it as the next big deodorant craze. I figure if I just sell a fraction of what Axe sells I can die a wealthy man, (hopefully not from the fumes).

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