Sex, Friendship and the Control Freak

Friendship is an interesting dynamic. It involves two people who gather around a common interest such as sports, school, or religion. What happens when the dynamics change through sex? Can a friendship survive change?

There are some friendships that are unhealthy. These are the ones where control and manipulation are the main point. Sometimes they progress to a sexual relationship, even same sex couples. The controlling individual usually finds some person that is weak and vulnerable to try to rescue. When they have gained that person’s trust they then try to take over their life. Some will spot this and withdraw, but others will believe the words and be drawn to what appears to be love and acceptance.

Sex for Control

Sex is the one thing that people have a choice as to whom to give it to. They can withhold it for whatever and however long they choose. When a controlling person takes advantage of a vulnerable person, they can find their self giving up sex for acceptance.

The main issue of using sex to control people is the power to guilt them into submission. When a person has given up their most intimate part of them self, they will often continue in unhealthy relationships because they have been taught, “good people do not do _____.”

Same sex sexual control is not something some people consider, but it is valid. What could be worse than tormenting a person with how they respond in bed? The bed is used to teach submission, engage in alternative sex, and other things. The ultimate purpose is to control and debase.

When a Friend tries to make it sexual

Sex needs to be a choice. Anything, but complete desire is as close to force as a person can get. The number one question that a person MUST ask is, “Is this what I want to do?” If the answer is no, then speak up. How they respond to rejection will tell you what the motivation is. If they belittle you, manipulate you, or in any way try to force you, then it is not right. RUN!!!!

Characteristics of a controlling person

Tries to control others directly, bullying, dominating
Competitive. Tries to win at all costs in a conflict or debate. Adversarial.
Does not recognize the importance of other people’s needs, feelings, perceptions, etc.
Thinks they know the way things are
Demanding, expects to get their way
Motivation

1. Tries to control others in order to protect her from being controlled or harmed.

2. Tries to get love, acknowledgment, caring, or acceptance that she didn’t get as a child without having to be vulnerable in the process or risking rejection.

3. Control in service of pride. Gaining power can be a way of defending against underlying feelings of deficiency.

4. Tries to control his environment as a way of controlling his inner life. Fear of internal chaos and fragmentation.

5. Control as aspect of entitlement. Other people are extensions of self so it is natural to control them.

6. Controlling the definition of reality in order to defend against self doubt coming from deceptive parent.

Core Issues and Origins

1. Harm issues, especially domination

2. Deficiency issues

3. Chaotic family history, severe neglect or harm issues.

4. Internalized controlling parent

Other behaviors

The control freak has an unending supply of drama. They like to be the center of attention. Attention and affection is the food they need to live. They love making friends with the person in charge and having closed door meetings about their personal issues. Their words fall like honey from their lips, because they will say whatever they need to say to get what they want.

Hunting Grounds

Churches and support groups are filled with people who are in need of love and acceptance. Controllers prey upon those in support groups or those they know are going through issues. The person who has been rejected is a favorite for them. They can sweet talk anyone into believing that they love them and because of the premise of faith, the vulnerable will believe it.

Single women with Children are a favorite for controlling men and women because they are generally overwhelmed with the children and work.

Methods for Dealing with Controllers

Depending on the place where the controller is, it is best to just leave them alone. Cut them off from all contact and make it clear that is what you are doing. Find others to help support that stand; and to help deal with the person should they become violent.

Controlling people will not go quietly and will most often blame the other person. This is part of control. They cannot give up the idea that they are not perfect and have been rejected. Controllers need help that is above the average person’s ability to give.

Some relationships can be saved through change, but are you willing to invest in someone who has spent their energy draining yours? Are you willing to work with them to change their behavior? Should you be willing? If you have issues that you need to work through, then the answer is no. You need to learn to control yourself so you do not fall for any further control freaks.

Controllers are destructive because they want to drain everyone around them. They want all the attention and the glory. If anything goes wrong they want to be the hero and save the day. They do not want people who are weak and hurting to heal, but to always need them.

Here is the truth

You do not need someone controlling you and trying to get you to sleep with them. Every person has value and purpose, and just because you have taken a hit by life, does not mean that you will not find that purpose. Love does not manipulate people to get them to do what they want. And for that matter, love does not give everyone what they want so they won’t be mad at them.

Conclusion

Sex is great in the right context, with the right person. It is not meant as a tool to manipulate and control other people. Any person who tries to get you to degrade yourself is not looking out for you, but himself or herself. So, get rid of the controlling person and be assertive.

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