When Jay-Z came up with the line, “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one,” he didn’t factor in the additional 99 problems that come with having a limited income. Sure, you’re a player all right, just on a different level than Jay-Z. He owns 10% of the New Jersey Nets; you paid ten dollars to join a Thursday night dart league. He has his own record company; you have thirty payments left on your rent-to-own TV. He dates Beyonce; you’d date Kirsty Allie if she said yes. It’s all relative, my Single-n-Lonely friend.
After you move away from home and join the real world, you find out quickly that paying bills is like Chinese water torture and quickly drives you insane. The paycheck gets halved by the government and you don’t have the discretionary income that Jay-Z has. Obviously, you picked the wrong career. But you still want to have fine things, and even more so, your ho will want fine things. American women expect things that women in the third world haven’t even heard of. To a woman walking around with a pot on her head, a day spa means “Quicksand! Run for your life!” Things that American women take for granted would sound like time travel to the employees hunched over in a Bangladesh sweatshop or carving diamonds out of a DeBeers underground mine, but you were lucky enough to be born here in this great country and you have to play the game like every other man who wants a piece of ass. Remember, you’re terribly lonely.
So you meet a girl and suddenly you feel like the Karate Kid balancing a naked Mr. Miyagi – you are only one false move away from tragedy. In trying to balance your paycheck, the finer things, and your grabby ho, you have to cut corners. If you are unwilling to cut corners in your fineries, you will be forced to become a drug mule to find the income it takes to please her. She’s like a magnetic R2D2 when it comes to your money. If change falls out of your pocket the nickels and quarters fly through the air and cling to her. When you pull out your wallet, she extends a robot arm that vacuums up all of your cash and credit. Married-n-Bored has a nice laugh at you because you are always broke from chasing some high-maintenance woman who ends up bleeding you like a 19th century doctor at Gettysburg.
Single-n-Lonely doesn’t give up easily though, do you now. You’ve got schemes, my man. You know that a fine thing is just a piece of junk perceived in the right light, yeah. I’m calling you out, smoove.
1.) Matinees for manatees: Use how sexy she is as a barometer for what she gets to enjoy on your dime. If she is sleek, sexy and you’ve soberly considered selling your soul to the devil just to sleep with her, take her to the evening movie. If she is a manatee pushing 220 pounds of girth, take her to the 1:30 in the afternoon matinee, get the big tub of popcorn, and sit in the back of the theater.
2.) Explore the romance of lunch: The same nice restaurant costs half the price at noon compared to what it does at seven in the evening. Plus, she most likely won’t want to get wasted and freebase all afternoon like you do, so one glass of wine a piece is all that you need to buy. Roll right on into happy hour with a smile and a few dollars left in your shabby pocket.
3.) Single malt, double malt?: If you find your date is into fine scotches, single malt, double malt, and the like, say to her, “How ’bout a chocolate malt, ho?” Her response will speak volumes about her sense of humor.
4.) Message in a bottle: Buy one bottle of Dom Perignon in your life. Drink the whole bottle by yourself and never forget that moment. Refill the bottle with Two Buck Chuck and recork it. Repeat as needed. If she knows wines, fake it until you make her believe that you accidentally picked the year the grapes went rancid.
Not every day can be lived like a movie star. Don’t be afraid to share one joint of the good weed with her before switching to catnip. Be creative without being cheap. After she’s dumped you and you still have some money for once, you won’t even care that she suffered permanent brain damage.
Not only am I broke, I’m also,