In this day and age, much of the humor we come across is of an adult or mixed group inappropriate nature. What happened to the good old wholesome joke?! It’s not funny, you say? Not so. And to prove it, I give you – ten jokes you can tell in any setting with no fear of offending anyone.
Joke #1 – It’s elementary, my dear Watson.
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go camping together. After a long day, they set up their tent and fall asleep. In the middle of the night Holmes woke up and nudged Watson.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see hundreds of beautiful stars!” exclaims Watson.
“What can you deduce from that?” asks Sherlock Holmes.
Watson thought about it for a moment, then said: “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are million of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”
“What else?” asks Holmes.
“I don’t know,” says Watson, “I thought I did pretty well.”
“My dear Watson,” says Holmes with a sigh, “somebody stole our tent.”
Joke #2 – Four in a Train
On a train, four people find themselves in the same compartment. There is a middle-aged woman, her nineteen year old daughter, an Army officer, and a soldier, his subordinate.
The train enters a dark tunnel. In the darkness, there is the sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap. When the train exits the tunnel, everyone is sitting in the same place they were before.
The mother is thinking: “my goodness, my little girl is kissing strange men!”
The officer is thinking: “the soldier is kissing and I’m getting slapped for it!”
The daughter is thinking: “I thought mother was too old for these kissing games!”
The soldier is thinking: “Can’t wait for another tunnel. As soon as we go in, I will kiss myself on the hand and slap the officer again!”
Joke #3 – Taking orders
There is a big line of men at the doors of Heaven. St. Peter tells them: “listen up! I want all the men who wore the pants in their families and made all the decisions, the real tough guys to make a line to my right and all the soft men who were ordered around by their wives to make a line to my left.”
The men make two lines. St. Peter walks along the tough man line and he sees one man that seems out of place.
“Are you sure you are in the right line?” asks St. Peter.
“No,” says the man, “but this is where my wife told me to stand.”
Joke #4 – Three stories
Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter comes out to greet them and says: “listen, we are getting pretty full up here in heaven, so I can only let one of you in. Here’s what we’ll do. Each of you tell me how you died and I’ll let the one with the most interesting story in.”
St. Peter takes the first man aside and the first man says: “here’s what happened. I was suspecting that my wife was cheating on me. So I came home early one day. I come into our fourth floor apartment and I see that my wife is in the shower. But I can just sense that there is another man in the apartment. So I search for him. I look everywhere – in the closet, under the bed, in the kitchen – nothing. Finally, I go out onto the balcony and sure enough, there is a guy wearing only a pair of underwear hanging off the balcony. I was so angry that I started to stomp on his fingers. He finally let go and fell, but there were some bushes below. I could tell he was still alive. So I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it down on top of him. But when I did that, I lost my footing and fell. That’s how I died.”
“I see,” says St. Peter. Then, he takes the second man aside. The second man says: “I live on the fifth story of this apartment building. I was just doing some yoga on my balcony, the way I always do, when I suddenly slipped and fell over. Luckily, I was able to grab onto the fourth floor balcony. Just then, this crazy man runs out and starts stomping on my fingers. I couldn’t let go and fell. Luckily, there were some bushes below. But then this crazy man threw a refrigerator on top of me and that killed me.”
“I see,” says St Peter. Finally, he takes the third man aside. The third man says: “I was being intimate with this woman when she suddenly says: ‘my husband is here! Quick – hide!’ So I hid in the first place I could think of – the refrigerator.’
Joke #5 – Baseball in heaven
Two close friends, Jim and Bob, are huge baseball fans. Unfortunately, as a result of an accident Bob passes away in the prime of his life. A few weeks later, Jim wakes up to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Is that really you, Bob?” asks Jim.
“Yes,” comes the voice, “it’s me.”
“So tell me, Bob, how is the afterlife?”
“Well,” comes the voice, “it’s not that great. Actually I have some bad news for you.”
“What’s wrong? Isn’t there baseball in the afterlife?”
“Well, yes,” comes the voice, “there is baseball.”
“So what’s the bad news?” wonders Jim.
“Well, like I said, there is baseball,” replied Bob, “and as a matter of fact – you are scheduled to pitch tomorrow night.”
Joke #6 – Talking canine
A man comes into the circus and says: “I have a talking dog, you should put him into one of your acts.” The circus manager says: “Okay, let’s see what he can say.”
“All right,” says the man, turns to his dog and asks: “How would you describe the bark of a tree?”
“Rough,” replies the dog.
“And what do you call a horse’s foot?” asks the man.
“Hoof,” replies the dog.
“And what’s on top of a house?” asked the man.
“Roof,” replies the dog.
“Okay, I’ve seen enough,” says the circus manager. “Get out of here.” And he chases the man and his dog out.
As they sit dejectedly on the curb, the dog turns to the man and says: “You think I should have said ‘shingles’?”
Joke #7 – The wily defendant
As they are walking out of the courtroom, the attorney in a case involving millions of dollars says to the defendant: “well, it is all in the judge’s hands now.”
“Should I send him a box of cigars?” asks the defendant.
“Absolutely not,” says the attorney, “the judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. You would ruin your chances if you did that.”
“I see,” says the defendant.
A few days, the judge returned a decision in favor of the defendant.
“Thanks for the tip with the cigars,” says the defendant over the celebratory dinner with his attorney.
“Sure. If you sent them, you would have definitely lost,” says the attorney.
“But I did send them!” says the defendant.
“What?!” exclaims the attorney.
“Yeah, I sent the judge a box of cigars,” says the defendant, “but I enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”
Joke #8 – The man and the three little pigs
The teacher was reading the story of the “Three Little Pigs” to her kindergarten class. She was saying: “so one of the little pigs saw a man with a wheelbarrow full of straw. The little pig went up to the man and said: ‘excuse me, sir, but do you mind if I borrow some of your straw so that I can use it to build my house?’ And, little boys and little girls, what do you think the man with the wheelbarrow said?”
One of the boys raised his hand.
“Yes, Johnny?” said the teacher.
“He probably said: ‘holy moly! It’s a talking pig!!'”
Joke #9 – The two little twins
A father had two little twin boys. One was an eternal optimist while the other was a doom-and-gloom pessimist. The father decided that the boys’ attitudes needed an adjustment, so when their birthday came, he put tons of new games and toys in the pessimistic boy’s room but filled the optimistic boy’s room with horse manure.
When the father passed by the pessimistic boy’s room, he saw that the boy was crying.
“Why are you crying?!” exclaimed the father.
“Because with all these new toys, my friends will get jealous, I have to read all these instructions before I can set up the games, I’ll constantly need to be buying new batteries, and eventually the toys are bound to break,” sobbed the boy.
When the father then passed by the optimistic boy’s room, he saw that the boy was jumping with joy and laughter.
“Why are you so happy?!” exclaimed the father.
“Well,” shouted the optimistic boy, “there has got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Joke #10 – The tricky astrologist
A superstitious emperor was becoming unhappy with his astrologer and decided to have him killed. He summoned the astrologer for one last reading and told him: “tell me my future, and then I shall have you executed.”
The astrologer thought for a moment, then laid out his tarot cards, looked at them and said: “Your Eminence, I see here that you are destined to die one day after I die.”
The Emperor let him live.