The Celebrity Bottom 5 : Counting Down the Worst of Celebrity Based News and Gossip

GIRL PROBLEMS!

5. In a decidedly unfunny piece of news, Garth Brooks’ ex-wife is kidnapped at gun point

Perhaps the real story here, is how bad of a kidnapper Quintine Cornelius Harper turned out to be. He was just your usual farmhand who liked to skip out on his own embezzlement hearings and carry guns as he worked on the Oklahoma property of country music’s biggest star’s ex-wife. When the bail bondsman showed up to arrest him, QCH did the only rational thing, he whipped out his gat and forced Sandy Brooks to drive him away. Only they didn’t get very far. Somehow, just a few miles down the road, Brooks was able to stop the car and get help in a nearby convienance store. What did she say, “Hey Q, I just gotta pull over here and get a Red Bull. If we’re going all the way to Mexico, I think I’m gonna need the buzz. You need anything?” I mean, what kind of gun toting fellon lets this happen?

4. Eminem gets divorced. Again.

Here’s the story of Marshall Mathers and KIm. The struggling rapper (see 8 Mile) falls in love with said Kim, couple has a baby who Dad absolutely adores. The struggling rapper turns himself into Eminem (the most succesful rap artist of all time) and divorces KIm, whom he publically bashes as an unfit mom, and generally bad person; going as far as to create the song “Kim”, in which he explains how he would like to murder his, now, ex-wife (On a personal note, I am fairly certain that this is fourth best “song” ever made). Time goes by, and Eminem only gets bigger and richer. In early 2006, the couple decide that they should remarry. This seems like a good idea: mom, dad and baby make three; everyone is happy. Only, three months later Slim Shady files for divorce, again. I guess the public can only wait for “Kim 2”, and hope that it is at least half as good as the original.

3. To distract the media from thinking that he is a wifebeater, David Hasselhoff says, “It’s okay, she was high”

In what is turning out to be quite the spectacular divorce battle, Baywatch star and Germany’s favorite singer David Hasselhoff has gone public, speculating that his estranged wife has a serious drug problem and needs psychiatric attention. The verdict is still out on whether or not this has any thing to do with the fact that he has been accused numerous times of abusing something of his own, namely his wife, Pamela (not Anderson). For what it’s worth, Pamela’s lawyers have immediately refuted this, stating that at no time whatsoever has their client taken drugs. Also, there is no indication that any of these proceedings have decreased Hasselhoff’s standing as Gernamy’s number one favorite pop star. Unfortunately, the real victims here are Hayley, 13, and Taylor, 15, the couples two young daughters.

2. The man behind The Love Boat, Dynsasty, 90210 and many others is accused of, among other things, being a dirty old man

In what is my personal favorite Celebrity Bottom 5 moment of the week, Aaron Spelling, TV mogul and Gollum look-alike, is about to endure some real life drama of his own. A Los Angeles judge has denied Spelling’s (who also kind of resembles one of the creatures from Jim Henson’s The Dark Cyrstal) request to seal portions of a sexual-harassment case against him. Filed by his former nurse, Charlene Richards, the suit alleges that the 120 year old muppet groped the victim and repeatedly asked for sexual favors. Worse than the actual revelation of these actions is anyone’s attempt to visualize sexual acts of any kind being performed by anyone on the wrinkly mastermind. To his credit, Spelling hasn’t actually denied any of these accusations, instead, playing the “I’m really old” card, he has merely stated that he has no recollections of the incidents described in the suit. In case you were wondering, the suit also claims that he asked Richards to dress like a hooker and screw him after he popped Viagra.

1. In happier news, new age music’s biggest worldwide star, Yanni, has been cleared of roughing up his girlfiend (to a certain degree)

In a week that saw so much domestic abuse, it’s nice to see a celebrity not beating up his lady friend. And by not beating up, I mean not actually hitting her with his fist, brass knuckles, lead pipe, etc. It’s also not clear, however, whether or not Yanni is preparing for a career in professional wrestling. Although the pretentious new age wonder (an adult contempo form of music that involves alot of boring synth sounds) was cleared, legally speaking, of actually hitting his woman of the last two years. Silvia Barthes and John Yanni Christopher both seem to agree that a fight did take place in where the Yanster body slammed his partner after she kicked him in the groin. Bodyslam? Groin kicks? Who does this? One can only assume that these actions took place after the couple watched WWE’s Monday Night Raw, because, if they didn’t, Yanni is hands down the world’s weirdest new age keyboard virtuoso.

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