The Things You Learn

With the flick of my wrist, I put the final word down on my last final in my college career. I then went back to my dorm room and had a bit of a sobering thought. I’m done learning. Forever.

Of course, you know it’s not true. Humans learn every day from the moment they squeeze out of their mother’s wombs to the day they die. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, everyone goes follows the same pattern. Well, unless you’re either a C-section baby or immortal, of course.

Anyway, two months after I graduated college, I decided it might be worth while to put down some of the non-scholastic knowlege I had amassed over the years. It was surprisingly easy. I was, uh, never the model student anyway. But I digress. What follows is my list of knowlege. Is knowlege power? Or can what we know make us want to get rid of the mental images with a red hot fire poker? You decide.

-No matter what anyone says, no matter how anyone else brags, it is not worth joining a cult to get a walking stick. Really, there comes a time when you need to prioritize your life and realize that you can use any old stick from the woods. Stupid cults.

-Don’t introduce yourself to potential employers as “the lord of the dance.” They might actually want a demonstration, and if you made it all up, you’re pretty screwed. If you are the lord of the dance, well, let me just take a moment to say that it’s an honor that you’re reading my article, your majesty.

-Despite the demand for SUVs with four-wheel off roading capabilities, few people who buy them actually go off roading. Every time you see a commercial with an average joe (or jill) in an SUV wearing a suit and tie, you can grin smugly with the knowlege that the whole commercial’s a set up. Take that, advertising.

-Just because a woodland creature isn’t foaming at the mouth doesn’t mean that it won’t kill you. I’m not going to elaborate any more than that. Sometimes, I wish that it were possible to forget what you’ve learned.

-No matter where they are or what they’re doing, creepy old men will look at pornography. If you’re ever in a position where you’re stuck next to a creepy old man and a computer, just start pouring the vinegar in your eyes to save you the trouble of doing it after the mental image sets in.

-Eighteen wheeler trucks are the most perplexing creations on the road. Not because of how big they are, or how powerful they are, but because 95% of the time, I have no idea what’s inside them. So far, I’ve seen trucks that (according to the writing on the sides) were filled with “luxury homes”, “dandy”, and “doughmen”. Perplexing.

-Sneezing with your eyes open is possible. At least, I think it is. The details are kind of fuzzy, and I definately remember feeling a blood vessel burst, but I’m pretty sure my eyes were open. Oh, and guess what? It sucks. Don’t do it.

Anyway, that’s all the knowlege I have for you today. Errr, or tonight, depending on when you read this. So, just remember as you go from day to day that life, whether you want it to or not, is going to teach you things. Horrible things. And you have no say.

It kind of makes me want to hide under the bed.

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