Worst Date Ever

The date started out just fine. She was very cute and very intelligent. She was a veterinarian as I recall. She and I had decided to meet at a restaurant in suburban Schaumburg. I picked a place that would easy to find because it was part of one of the largest malls in the suburban Chicago area.

I got there early because I always get places early and immediately saw that the place was packed to the gills. This place did not take reservations so there was no way to reserve a table. People spilled out into the parking lot and I paced, wondering which woman would be the one there to meet me. She approached and I was not disappointed.

I suggested we go to a different restaurant down the street that I knew would not be so crowded. It would be a little more intimate and more expensive as well. I offered to drive and she accepted. The conversation was going great.

The meal was also good. We talked and talked. I talked about my dog. She talked about her life. Somewhere during the middle of the meal I realized that I was nervous and eating red meat and this was causing a serious gastro-intestinal problem inside me. Namely, I was passing gas enough to power a small city for about a day.

In the restaurant this was not a problem. I could lean forward and the offending wind would be sent into a gaseous cloud behind me. I may have killed a few restaurant patrons but my date had no clue. The problem came with the car ride back to where her car was parked.

I drive a Jeep Wrangler, so there was no escaping. Just as we were about to reach the parking lot something escaped from my bowels that smelled worse than if something had crawled up and died in my intestines. I swear the glass melted from the windshield. I expected to turn and see my date’s face melting off like a character from Raider of the Lost Ark. She wasn’t melting but there was no doubt she smelled what I had dealt. It was truly the most foul thing ever.

We parted company in the parking lot. The next day I got an e-mail saying she was going to go back with her ex-boyfriend. I started investing in Beano.

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