TY for Calling Verizon

….due to recent complaints and lawsuits, we are working on improving our service.

Since we do not feel like altering our astronomical prices policy, we bring you the new as-close-to-human-as-possible machine. This machine will act as if it were very, very happy to have received your particular call today. And any day.

Miss machine will proudly announce your touchtone options, gladly transferring you to “Repair”.

While you wait for the next friendly and no doubt beautiful/handsome representative, miss machine will interject with cute little hints, such as “Oh and while you wait, you might want to check our website at ww.verizon.com. By the way we have every right to bombard you with our latest offers if we feel like it. Oh and, one more thing, music will play while you wait” (yes, they actually said that! “Wow are you serious- you mean there will actually be MUSIC in my phone while I wait?!”).

After ‘waiting with music’, a Verizon representative might or might not take your call. In some cases, he/she might ask you for your phone number and the reason you are calling, only to then go “Oopsy daisy wrong department, I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been holding for 15 minutes…”

In such cases, please do not feel you have the right to complain. Should you complain, we will retain the right to transfer you to Miss Machine again.

In the event that our Verizon person decides to transfer you to the right department- in this case ‘repair’, please note that he/she will conveniently forget to tell you that ‘repair’ is an automated system. ‘Repair’ can recognize your voice and will let you say whatever you want, as long as it’s ‘Yes’, ‘No’, or ‘Crosstalk’.

After giving you the third degree, “Repair” might transfer you to another friendly representative in case it was unable to solve your problem. Maybe because it’s a machine and some problems stump it so we should have transferred you to an actual technician to being with.

But never mind that now!

Again, thank you for calling Verizon.

Before Slamming your phone, please make sure that your fingers are padded.

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