Humor: Email & Spam

Cleaning out my email boxes has taken two days to get through, and I found myself marvelling at the things that made their way into my inbox, and I had some interesting thoughts while doing so that I thought I might share with my faithful readers today.

First of all, some of these emails I had to clean out today use my last name as though it were my first name. That’s not good data entry if you ask me. But I digress… if I lived my life through email (which sometimes I think I do) here is what I would have discovered about myself after reading all the spam and junk I had:

1. Apparently, even though I am a women, my penis is too small. It seems I need to buy this all natural herbal supplement to increase the length and girth of my penis.

2. Apparently, even though I am a woman who has a penis that is too small, my breasts are also too small, and I need to buy this all natural herbal supplement to increase the fullness and cup size of my breasts. (Trust me, I don’t.)

3. Apparently, the substance that is in the all natural penis enlargement and all natural breast enlargement herbal supplements IS THE SAME THING!

4. Apparently, I am a woman whose breasts and penis are both too small AND I suffer from erectile dysfunction and need another all natural supplement to “get it up” and please my partner. I think – in all honesty – my partner might have an issue with me having large breasts and a large erect penis – but I digress again.

5. Apparently, even though my breasts and penis are too small, *I* am too large everywhere else and need to take an herbal supplement that will reduce my weight. I can take this in a patch form, pills, or liquid.

6. Apparently, a long-lost relative of mine in Egypt or somewhere obsure like that, whom I have never heard of, has passed away and I am his only heir, and as soon as I send my bank account information to them, I will be 3.5 million dollars richer. Drinks are on me, after all, I really need the money, since I have to buy all those all natural herbal substances to improve my boobs, my penis, and my weight.

7. Apparently, my teeth aren’t white enough. No herbal supplement for that – just some stuff to brush on my teeth and sit and grin like a fool for hours, because, apparently, whiter teeth makes one appear younger.

8. It appears that my interest on my mortgage is too high and I should refinance immediately. I need a new car. I’ve been preapproved for several major credit cards, Paypal and eBay both need me to confirm my bank account information via email, and I’ve won several millions of dollars in online sweepstakes from the UK, Ireland, and Australia, even though I’ve never entered!

9. Apparently, Raquel, Kelly, Melissa, Kristen, Kelsy, Cindy, Melanie, Rachel, Heather, Myra and Katherine all think I’m sexy and have invited me to view their webcams – whooopeeee!

10. Apparently, the Minister of Something-or-another in XXX country needs to send me some money to my account because he doesn’t want his country to take everything from him, and if I’ll just send him my bank information, he’ll give me half of this money. Yes, indeed he will, and I believe him – ’cause he’s a Minister of Something-or-another.

11. Apparently, my skin is too pale and I need a natural tanning product, as well as having “unsightly” cellulite and need to buy a skin firming product. Apparently, I also have acne and need to buy an adult acne product.

I’m beginning to have a complex now – since they think I need all these things so desperately! How do they know me so well?

12. Apparently, I have not yet met my soul mate, and if I will sign up for this dating site and pay just a paltry $59.99 a month, they guarantee I’ll find true love.

13. Oh yeah, there are apparently 15 classmates that want to meet me from the high school I attended almost 20 year s ago. (20 year reunion next summer. Gosh, I’m old.)

14. Apparently, I need my horoscope daily, need my fortune told and my lucky numbers read for me. I need a free online computer generated Tarot reading so that I don’t go astray in the choices I make in this life.

15. Apparently – I have already won!

16. This was my fifth notice! (don’t know what happened 1-4)

17. The equity in my house has increased, and my home is now worth about $60,000 dollars more than it appraises for – so now I qualify for a loan that will improve my percentage rate (I currently pay 6.25%) to an all-time low of just 8.75%! And then I can cash out the $60K in equity, and lower my monthly payments (I pay $458 a month) to the ultra low payment of just $867 a month!!!!

That’s not as bad as my friend who gets these same emails all the time, telling her the address, which just so happens to be City Hall, in Costa Mesa, California. She worked there at one time. Little did she know, she owns the city!

And none of this is even mentioning the porn! Goodness, the porn! And if I get one more viagra or cialis spam ad – I think I’ll scream!

It’s all good to know right? I mean, I was sitting here at my computer feeling pretty good about myself, and then I went through my email. Oh, woe is me!

An interesting thing though – some of these “companies” “look” legitimate, until you see the originating email address.

Word of advice through all the humor, folkds. If a company is trying to sell you a car, a truck, a mortgage, a loan, a credit card – anything that is going to require your personal information – even if it’s just so much as an email, mailing address, phone number, etc, and their originating email address is yahoo.com, aol.com, msn.com, hotmail.com, excite.com, google.com, or any other web-based free email account, STAY AWAY!

Any legitimate company with a legitimate business is going to take the time and the slight extra expense to get their own domain name and actually BE a legitimate business.

So if you ever wonder where I am or why I haven’t posted a new story or article for a few days, know that I’m probably swimming in spam. Now I have that spam stink to me, add some cheese and crackers and I might be quite tasty.

Well, that would depend on who you ask.

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