His resources were limited, but he knew where to begin with it. The idea consumed him. The relation to the world was too far away to make any significant gesture to change anything. A few weeks without seeing Anthony we wanted him to come around and hang out for a bit, but he could not be reached. At this time he was writing his final repertoire. A farewell. A good bye.
I started hanging out on Prairie street playing music with two brothers and another guitar player- all great musicians. We played everyday for about a month and wrote four or five songs. This was our one and only escape besides alcohol and marijuana. The lifestyle is easily described as a search for satisfaction. Music satisfied all of us. Eventually we quit writing and just played improvisation bits. Practicing slowed to a stop and we dis-banded.
It was now mid summer and all we did was hang out with our other friends who were always having parties and such. Anthony would come around for a few days at a time then disappear. As we know now, he was severely depressed and could not come to see us for other reasons. Life went on without noticing any problems. Everyday turned into the next and so on until we got the news early on a Saturday morning. Everyone met at Pizza King and sat around drinking until we felt like leaving. There was a show later that day we eventually made it to. I walked across town to the house on Prairie street to meet up with his brother. He must have been the strongest of all of us since he was the comic relief as always. We finally decided to go to the show drunk as hell. The show was terrible. The terribleness of the show cannot be described in words, you would have had to have been there. It was a relief for all of us to realize something worse was happening the same day in our crappy little town. After trying to start a fight or two we were told to leave. Everyone had a ride but me so I stole a bike.
The next few days were a blur of grief, laughs, and drunkenness. At his funeral they played “Do You Realize” which was a song he had mentioned to someone earlier that month. It made everyone cry of course. At the end of the funeral they passed out the CD he had made weeks prior. At a loss of words for a few days the worst part passed. Four days later was my birthday.
After talking to his brother we found out why he had taken his life. That was the first bit of clarity since the day. There were not as many what-ifs or whys after that. We just understood it the way we had to. Solidarity was our sedation for the time. It still is…
After a life changing experience like this, one must learn or at least try to understand the forces behind our own nature. Help is available to everyone everywhere. It pays to have knowledge of warning signs. Visit http://www.policesuicide.com/Warning_Signs.htm for more information about warning signs. Friends can make a lifetime of a difference. If you know someone who is suicidal you may want to commit them or at least form a watch group. Whatever course of action is taken, it must be taken care of immediately. Peace AJ.