The Hangover: Nature’s Plan B

Ever awake with a hangover? (No, not you, Suzie, you’re 19.) Okay. Ever awake with a hangover so head-crushing, so liver-punishing, that you evaluate the tempting pros of Mormonism while searching for a miracle cure – and don’t pray to God for one, He frowns on drinking all together, also, according to FoxNews, He frowns on George Clooney, Charles Darwin, and people who buy Janeane Garofalo’s compulsory abortion T-shirts.

If you’re looking for a speedy hangover cure, don’t even bother – no cure exists, aside from, a bullet through the head, which I strictly would not recommend, unless, that is, you’re one of the billions of superhero’s featured in Marvel comics. More bad news: experts (and my mom) say that no over-the-counter pill supplies any type of alcoholic relief from your shameful boozing.

Paul Dillon of the National Drug and Alcohol Research Center, says hangover cures are a sham. So, spend your time on piratical things, things that our president can get behind, like nation building, or not talking to the Press once a term. Like documentary filmmakers, “there are people whiling to make quick-cash out of other people’s suffering,” Dillon said.

“At this time of year a whole lot of people put a lot of money into marketing and advertising hangover cures in chemist shops, but they never last much longer than a couple of months, because people use them once, realize they don’t work [or that they’re novelty sponges] and never use them again.”

“We haven’t found a magic cure yet and whoever does will make a lot of money [someone should invent water].” Mr. Dillon said. “The best advice if you’ve overindulged the night before is to give yourself time to recover [avoid eating syrupy pancakes, or Ipecac].”

“There are things you can do to mask the symptoms, like taking Panadol [or Tylenol, as it’s pronounced in America] or another pain reliever for a thumping headache,” he said. “Don’t go into the sun [avoid tanning compulsively] because you’re already dehydrated, drink lots of fluids [don’t maintain your buzz with more beer], get some rest and with time you’ll recover.” Also, studies recommend not giving birth during a hangover.

Side effects of too much consumption – I don’t recall any – could be your bodies way of saying ‘enough, already!’

“If there wasn’t the hangover maybe even more people would drink heavily [like Lindsey Lohan], which is a concern of health professionals,” Associate Professor Kate Conigrave, a staff specialist in addiction medicine at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital, said. “If your body is telling you you’ve had too much, you’re better off listening to it than taking something that will mask those signals [with sweet, mind-binding drugs].”

The British Medical Journal attained the same conclusion:

“The most effective way to avoid the symptoms of alcohol induced hangover is to practice abstinence or moderation [or common-sensory],” the British Medical Journal concluded.

But if you still choose to drink unabashedly – sinners! – doctors recommend preparing accordingly – for safety reasons.

Types of drunks are unlimitless, but for space issues, I will narrow them down to 4.

A Passed Out Drunk
You’re a passed out drunk if you take shots of tequila with plenty of water – also called “chasers,” or “training wheels,” which people call them as I take chasers with my Corona Extra.

You are likely to routinely drink your weight in Scotch, play the Nintendo game Mario Kart 64, yell at someone you don’t know, proceed to climb into a small laundry hamper, and vomit in your lap, and black out.

A Wild Drunk
You’re unarguably a wild drunk if you urinate in the closest pond, play the piano, and then eventually break it. “Come on. Let me play a bar of Bohemian Rhapsody” might be heard in the next room. “I can do it!” But you know you can’t.

A wild drunk can also be a wild vomiter. The ones, while vomiting in the bathroom, sound like they’re yelling out angry, hysterical, nonsensical, almost musical cries, determined to get every drop of alcohol out of their poisoned stomachs, so they can start their drinking night fresh and anew.

Clothes, sadly, are no issue. Articles of clothing will be taken off on a whim, and replaced with clothes of others.

And stay away from the pool; or at the very least, keep your wallet in a Ziploc bag.

An Angry Drunk
You’re an angry drunk if you begin to argue passionately with strangers about anything, say, the fluffiness of towels, for example. In all likelihood, you’ll then punch a hole through the wall, breakdown, and sob softly in a darkened corner.

Soon you’ll devote your undying love to the nearest person – usually someone of the same sex – while singing the lyrics to What The World Needs Now Is Love.

At the end of the night, you’ll drive drunkenly into a small ditch; which is incredibly impressive, considering that your friend took your car keys.

A Crazy Drunk
You’re a crazy drunk if your mouth goes instantly numb from the taste of Bacardi Silver. That’s when you should stop. If you continue, your last words of the night will be “I can’t find my pants,” and first words in the morning will be “the radiator is surprisingly comfortable,” as you moan, asking yourself questions like: “Was I drinking Moonshine last night? Is that vomit in my shoes? Why are my pants in the freezer?”

“You said your hot-pants needed cooling-down,” a friend will say.

Now remember kiddies, underage drinking is completely immoral, unless, of course, you get your parents consent.

It also wouldn’t hurt to get your governments consent, so keep mailing those letters to congress!

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