American Idol

In the history of show business, there have been some phrases so fearful, so terrifying that it’s hard to believe they were ever uttered. Shaft starring Ron Palillo. And the Oscar goes to Roberto Benigni. Introducing the main attraction of the evening, Elaine Boosler. Spandau Ballet to headline OzzFest ’97. Although I have to admit once those boys finished crooning “True” to that mob on opening night, there was nothing Cypress Hill could do but sit back and worship at the feet of the masters.

But even all those blunders don’t compare to these dreaded words: Broadway Night On American Idol.

It’s hard to get in the mood for such a bad night of singing, but Ryan appears to have done just that. Either that or he no longer is hiding the fact that he went to a Bing Crosby auction before dressing himself this week. Now if only he had a pipe and a smooth charisma about him, he’d be just like the original. Oh well, at least he could go out and buy a pipe. But enough of that. Let’s have a bunch of people barely out of their teens chop up some of the classics of the Great White Way. At least the ones Maureen McGovern didn’t get to first.

Scott Savol, you’re out on bail! Thanks for joining us. Boy, it sure was nice of Paula do lend you her lawyer for the weekend, huh? Scott decides to sing The Impossible Dream, which was made famous by Richard Kiley. Afterwards, he’ll be drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. Also made famous by Richard Kiley.

Scott is looking dapper in a classic dark blue suit, perfect for performing on talent shows yet classic enough for those pesky court appearances during the day. His performance leaves a little to be desired. For instance, I’m desiring Richard Kiley. And a bottle of Jack Daniels. And Richard Kiley is optional. The judges commend his bravery for picking such a tough song. I commend his bravery on still resisting the urge to not shave off that semi-beard. Not that anyone would notice if he had.

Constantine thinks it’s still February, so he’s going to sing My Funny Valentine. He also tells us that this song was written for the show Babes In Arms, which is a Michael Jackson joke that practically tells itself. Constantine also recalls the movie Pal Joey, starring Frank Sinatra and Kim Novak. Both of whom are more rebellious than Constantine himself. The big guy is doing a pretty good job though, even wearing one of Sinatra’s old skeleton pinkie rings for good luck. If Jilly Rizzo were alive, he’d be saying “who the heck is writing this drivel, and can I whack him off for ya, Mr. Sinatra?’ I never really cared for Jilly myself. I’ve always been a Peter Lawford man myself.

Carrie is up, and picks a song dedicated to me and Vonzell, Hello Young Lovers. The judges think the song is boring. Richard Rodgers and his seventeen truck loads of Tony Awards disagree. But Randy was a backup singer for Journey, so I guess that means something. Like Neil Schon had more vocal range than he had. I didn’t know Neil Schon had more vocal range than anybody. Carrie really reminds me of my prom date, except she’s blonde, perky and can heft 75lb bales of hay with no problem. Also she doesn’t have a mole with three stray hairs sticking out like my prom date had. But other than that, she’s a dead ringer.

Dum-dum-da-dum. Dum-dum-da-dum. Dearly beloved. We are gathered together to watch my future Mrs take another step in winning this competition. Vonzell has settled on singing People, from Funny Girl. Somewhere in Bittersville, New York, Mikalah is preparing to frantically call the eight numbers not assigned to Vonzell. See, Mikalah, THAT’s what a Streisand song is supposed to sound like. The judges all agree that Vonzell is awesome. Actually, they didn’t say that, but if they can dig their head in the sand and ignore some things, then so can I.

Anthony Fedorov is up, and surprisingly eschews the chance to sing a song as Tevye from Fiddler On The Roof. The scary thing is that I didn’t have to look that part up on Google. The scarier thing is that I’m in my 30s and still use words like eschews in my sparsely read recaps. Instead, Anthony sings Climb Ev’ry Mountain. Unfortunately he mangles ev’ry note and just lost his chance to win ev’ry vote. That was alot funnier in my head. Also, if anyone is counting tonight, it’s Richard Rodgers 3, Randy Jackson 0.

Nikko could be in trouble, since Richard Rodgers never wrote any R&B songs. So instead he sings One Hand One Heart from West Side Story. While wearing a suit vest and fedora. Nothing says gritty gang musical like dressing like one of Gladys Knights’ pips. Nikko seems also to be cheating, since the high notes of this song are being sung by someone else. I was wondering what Mario Vasquez had been up to. Paula leads the cheers for Nikko, calling him the ‘Comeback’ kid. Actually, he’s more like the ‘We Thought We Got Rid Of You Once But At Least You’re Not As Bad As Leah LaBelle’ kid. But he’ll take what he can get.

Anwar is up now, and he will sing If Ever I Would Leave You, which shockingly wasn’t written by Richard Rodgers. The slacker. Fearing that half of America would be losing sleep over what show his song came from, Anwar fills us in. He reads cue cards really well. He’s like Robert Osbourne, before he became the Green Goblin. Anwar obviously signed a sponsorship deal with four different coat makers, and decided to wear them all tonight. Anwar does a pretty good impersonation of Robert Goulet, though he doesn’t have nearly the awesome hair. The judges all agree that Anwar is back. They also agree that Anwar is black. Nothing gets by these three.

And now for the comic relief of the evening. God knows you’re not getting any from this recap. Bo Bice will now sing a Broadway song. This is gonna be good. Unless he picks something from Hair or Tommy. Luckily, he picks Corner Of The Sky, a song I’ve never heard of. It’s apparently from the show Pippin, which chronicles the growth of a young boy from Central Arkansas to the heights of NBA fame. Or not. Bo feared a lot of egg-throwing from the audience, so he’s wearing a sleek-looking red slicker. It also appears that Bo is using highlights in his hair this week. Did I just notice another man’s changing hair color? I need a beer, a bar and a Toby Keith song. Fast.

Nadia isn’t going to supply any of those, but at least she’s better looking than Bo. Plus she spends less time in front of the mirror. She’s also more comfortable with this theme, singing As Long As He Needs Me from the show Oliver! That’s not my exclamation point, it’s theirs! Okay, that last one was mine! And that one! This is fun! Nadia is great as usual, and all three judges agree! This recap is more over than the career of the Climax Blues Band! So stop reading already! And go vote and destroy someone’s dream!

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