Anger Management

Hello. I realize that most people might now know me, especially considering this is my first time actually having submitted anything to this particular venue, but I can assure you that I’m an honest man. Honesty is an art that’s been lost over time, replaced with a skillful foot-fare of white lies and outright denial that would leave even the most reasonable people on the planet half-dead with an aneurysm. A few decades ago this might have been attributed to the latest drug craze or simply something as basic as insanity, but thanks to our brand new-age way of thinking it’s all boiled down to “not being able to understand your partner”. Guess what. You’re in luck.

1: Philosophy as an everyday source of conversation is dull.

4 years ago I had decided that I had found someone that I would be willing to have a relationship with. We discussed philosophy it was a good time had by all. Oh, you want to discuss the existence of God? Great! Is there a point in living? SUPER. Where has all the rum gone? Fantastic. It was an uplifting experience to have a conversation with someone who was so apparently in tune with their thoughts and the nature of reality. That was, of course, until the conversations that were once spontaneous and interesting turned into a cacophony of repetition and bland footnoting. The grand scale on which we had our discussions had turned into a forum the size of a matchbox. It was getting stifling quick.

2: Don’t expect an artist to ever compromise on anything, no matter how reasonable.

To add to the philosophy, she was also an artist. Again, being in film I find that having a creative side is a great way for a person to express themselves emotionally and physically and there is no problem in that. However, being a Spartan male as I had been raised from the womb I found that she was a little too flirtatious and what not, mostly due to the excessive use of cleavage that threatened to outbid the Grand Canyon for America’s Largest Crevace. When the issue had been raised (tastefully, mind you. I’m only bitter -after- the fact) she had claimed that she dressed how she wanted to dress and that would be the end of it. Again, I had assumed that maybe I was being too hard on her so the issue was dropped. Then came the accusations that I was sleeping with everyone I knew because I had worn a shirt that was a little too tight. By year 2, things were becoming more and more apparent that this former goddess was no longer what I had thought.

3: If it’s too hot outside, it’s because the sun is your fault.

Rounding out the middle of our second year, I continued to go to school and work a few part time jobs on the side to keep myself occupied. I had assumed that this course of action was the intelligent way to go about things seeing as how the two of us wanted to maintain the relationship, regardless as to whether or not I was confused as to WHY I wanted to continue it in the first place. I had asked, politely, if she had any leads or hopes of either getting a job or going to school. Of course, this lead to a huge argument as to how I would be mad at her for doing so, especially since we had such little time to talk together and she didn’t want to lose me. But there was absolutely no issue with my carrying most of the financial aspects of the relationship on my back. By this point I had accumulated several issues with the relationship that all had the makings of a large neon sign blasting out “BAD IDEA” onto a red light district infested with herpes.

4: If she can move on, you better have a genital cage ready.

Year 4 finally came around and she had decided that I was holding her back. Baffled by this, I said “fine” not wanting to compromise on what I had tried to do several times before, which was getting out of the relationship. A few months had passed and I found a strange rumour going around that she had been seeing a few guys while she was still with me. Being the type of person I am, I confronted her with the accusation claiming where it had originated from, the level of the rumours, and my concern. The result was a lot of fake crying, quickly followed by anger, and then a reciprocation of rumours that could never possibly have come up. Regardless of all of this, I merely said that I would not get back together with her and moved on, wishing her the best. A good quarter of a year later I had begun to talk to one of her good friends, and it had turned out that we had a lot in common. I’ve always found this refreshing because I’m a very strange man. Being the type of person I am, I inform my former partner of the situation, telling her that I’ve begun talking to her because I didn’t want the knowledge catching her off-guard if it progressed at all.

5: Take a hint and stop caring.

Obviously she was rabid by this situation and turned into a lunatic of Bruce Banner/Hulk-esque proportions. I can see her now becoming a good 13 stories tall yelling “SMASH PUNY ITALIAN TAKE OUT PLACE” and calling a bloodoath on the destruction of Wal-Mart or something similar. The unfortunate part is that this isn’t the only relationship that’s ended like this in the history of the world.

6: The greatest advice you will EVER get.

My advice to men everywhere? If she doesn’t budge on the bill, it’s best to just leave the table.

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