Border Problem Fixed!

I love how everyone describes potential resolutions to the border problem; I love the people who put forth the best ways to “fix” immigration, as if the Mexican border was a puppy and it simply needed to be spayed or neutered. Is it really that easy?

Well, I got to thinking about it recently and I’ve figured it out. It is that easy. The Mexican-US border is just like a puppy, and I’m Dr. Parenthetically InexplicableâÂ?¦hand me my scalpel.

These are the top 5 ways the USA can fix immigration�

Hire the Minutemen, full time

5. The Minutemen are a group (let’s be fair- a militia) of whackos and gun nuts, who like to patrol the border and make civilian arrests on all the illegal immigrants who just want to mow their lawns. These guys are fucking nuts. They feel it’s their civil responsibility to protect the border (they feel the government doesn’t do it properly, sillies). Plus, if you ask me, they just to do it for fun. What we need to do is hire these guys full time, supply them with ammo, and away we go.

4. Get rid of all Goya products

We need to attack this problem at its source. First, the military needs to blow up every Goya office and factory. Second, we need to create a committee to organize the removal and destruction of all Goya products currently on the shelves of our supermarkets and bodegas. Then, once we’ve got all the Goya products, we need to put everything in a giant pile (preferably right on the border). We need to burn that pile like the Nazis burned books. Then we need to dance around the flames, screaming in the general direction of Mexico, “What now motherfuckers!? What now!?” The Mexicans will cower in fear. The ones already here will leave and the ones who were on their way will turn back. Mexicans cannot live in America without Goya; Goya is their lifeblood.

3. Pave all the grass

Imagine this: It’s the World Series, bottom of the ninth, two outs; Albert Pujols is at the plate against Mariano Rivera. Pujols lines one to Derek Jeter but it hits an imperfection in the paved infield and bounces over his head. The Cardinals win the Series! Wouldn’t that be great? When all of the grass in this country has been replaced by pavement, we won’t need Mexicans to mow it. Things will be much better. Don’t tell me you haven’t wished that your backyard was blacktop.

2. Create a large moat full of crocodiles and great white sharks

I know I’m not the first one who’s thought of this. My uncle always said, “why build a wall, when you can build a moat?” He was a wise old man; they should have never committed him to that special house. Moats are cool, primitive maybe, but way cool. And plus, with the inclusion of both salt water crocs and sharks, I will finally get to see which beast is truly the best (this is the kind of stuff I think about). I’d put my money on the shark, but I’m not sure. Also, if they wanted to, the Fox network could turn the crocodile/shark wars into a weekly show (move over American Idol).

1. Build a gigantic Wal-Mart on the border

This is a great idea. The profits of the giant Wal-Mart will be split 80-20 between the US and Mexico with a portion of the profits going to the Department of Homeland. All of the immigrants who come towards the store will just be put to work inside; literally killing two birds with one stone: the Mexican gets his job and we keep them out of the country. Terrorists would not be allowed to have any of the good jobs. All terrorists would be forced to work checkout for a minimum of 9 months (at which point, their district manager would review their work history). There would be giant tent cities on the Mexican side of the border and everyone would eat at one of the 2,000 new McDonalds, which would be scattered inside the giant Wal-Mart.

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