Conspiracy Theories for the Improvement of the USA by Jetlag Democracy, Part II

I wear controversy like a blind man wears pink and lime green plaid pants. That said, I’d like to talk about the legal limit, as in the legal blood alcohol level for humans operating automobiles. Most states, or at least New Jersey, have lowered the legal limit from 0.1 to the ridiculously tiny 0.08 (I’m fairly certain that the majority of states function at the 0.08 level, though I could be wrong about this).

There is a song by the rock outfit Moistboyz called “1.0 (Fuck No)” that I’d like you to take a look at, here are the lyrics:

“Y’all madd mothers can take a step aside.
Michelob dreams are bein’ served on the side.
A man runs smoother when he’s nice and high.
The wheel without the bottle will leave you sick and dry.

One point zero.
Fuck no.
Gotta go.

Gotta get home even when I’m stoned.
My designated driver ain’t got a workin’ phone.
Why’d you put the bar so far from my home?
You take a lotta chances when you’re drinkin’ alone.


Bars and cars are like a man and his wife.
I never turn the key with thought of takin’ a life.
So I’m rollin’ like a demon with foam on my lips.
Got an extra six pack for a two dollar tip.


When you’re sittin’ on sunday watchin’ tv.
You’re sure as hell to see a picture of me.
Smilin’ at the chevy with the 4 wheel drive.
And a michelob man crusin’ high and alive.


Now, this song seems to blatantly advocate drinking and driving, but in spite of its outlandish machismo, this song says a lot about our diminishing civil liberties. The relationship between alcohol and cars is as old as the relationship between vagina and penis, in regards to baby-making that is. I learned something the other day that was very telling; I learned it from the movie “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.” I found out that racecar driving was born out of the prohibition. The bootleggers needed fast cars to escape the law and, after a while, the owners of these supped up rides start drag racing each other on the side. And that’s how we got NASCAR.

But on a serious note, the entire system surrounding DWI’s, DUI’s and alcohol is inherently flawed. “You can go to bars and you can drink,” they tell us. “But if you try and drive home, you’re fucked.” So, they tell us to use designated drivers, but who the hell wants to do that? Have you ever been to a rowdy bar sober, it’s unbearable.

Listen, I’m not pro-drunk driving; I’m just anti our current legal limit. Too many good people are being thrown behind bars because they simply drank at a bar (not drank too much, just drank) . That song I quoted came out when the legal limit was still 1.0; I can only imagine what the authors think of our new lowered level. 0.08 is just way, way too low. It’s completely unconstitutional. In reality, the limit should be somewhere between .125 and .15.

The only thing worse than this limit is the way our government rubs its hypocrisy in our face.


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