Criminally Sexy: Lindsay Lohan’s Breasts

I heard Senator Zell Miller on the radio this morning crusading against CDs. He thinks adult citizens shouldn’t be able to buy CDs that contain the all powerful “F” word. He’s not talking about warning labels, he wants to eliminate them. Crazy?

In today’s wacked out environment it just might happen. We’re a society obsessed with protecting ourselves from impurity, and our entertainment is on the verge of being scrubbed clean with a wire brush.

The Nazis blamed the Jews, we’re blaming rap videos. Is there really any difference? In the wake of this you might think there’s not much in the way of censorship out there to surprise you, but here’s something new: Now certain body types are considered morally offensive.

Your first thought was probably fat people. I mean, they’re unhealthy and seeing them sets a bad precedent for children. I know I wouldn’t want my child seeing fat people running around and getting the idea that maybe it’s ok for them to eat Whoppers until they drop dead from an early life heart attack. Kids, I know Artie Lange looks happy but diabetes just isn’t fun.

But no, it isn’t fat people that’s raised the ire of our good friend Jeebus. Apparently, Jeebus hates hot people and he’s trying to protect our children from them. Thank you Jeebus!

In particular, Jeebus hates Lindsay Lohan’s bounteous bosoms and wishes them erased from existence. When test screening their upcoming (and potentially horrible) Herbie movie, the execs at Disney discovered something peculiar: Test screening audiences were offended by Lindsay Lohan’s breasts.

Now the problem here isn’t that she was dressed in revealing outfits, or that Herbie convinced Lindsay to join an impromptu wet t-shirt contest after a particularly hard day at the race track. No, self-righteous parents were offended by her basic body shape, the size of her rack to be specific. They found her god-given hotness to be “raunchy” and being good god fearing individuals they bitched about this new source of filth.

Disney, being the profit driven entity that they are didn’t laugh at the stupidity of all this. No, like every gutless corporate empire they fear the new wave of “clean up the airwaves” paranoia sweeping the country. They want money, and the best way to make it is to back down in the face of mind numbing idiocy.

So they’re putting a little CGI to use and reducing Lohan’s large livin bust. Because her natural body is offensive. When she jumps her breasts are too bouncy. When she laughs they shake seductively, and Jeebus hates natural, life-like breasts. Bet he’s gay.

So hot chicks beware, once HBO is shut down we’re coming for you next. Your naturally beautiful bodies inspire impure thoughts in our children, arouse our men, and fuel an industry based on sex, greed, and really small bikinis. It’s not safe to take your kids to the beach anymore without a smoking hot blonde crossing your path.

When did this America become so beautiful dammit? That’s where McDonalds comes in. They’ve gotten a lot of bad press lately, and this is their chance to counteract that. If there’s anyone who can save us from sex kittens, it’s the golden arches. McDonalds, I suggest a new marketing campaign focusing on the effect a Big Mac can have on Lindsay Lohan.

She’s looking pretty anorexic, throw her a check and force fries down her throat. Let’s see just how fat we can get her. Granted, that won’t shrink her breasts but if you get her belly big enough, no one is going to notice them. Early death from childhood diabetes is better than immorality brought on by the growing number big bubbly breasts out there. Help us Ronald McDonald, you’re our only hope.

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