Daddy’s Little Girl Now Daddy’s Empty Women

Each and every man that I have met all have the something in common: they are human and not without flaw. Needless to say, that I have had enough of trusting them with my happiness. My father is a good person in retrospect but as far as being a father, he fell short a couple bucks and spent too many years missing in action.

Back then, I think I felt the need to be rescued and he never came. I just wanted to have. His absence only made me wish and hope, and I just kept wishing and hoping until I finally just started growing into a very resentful and bitter young lady, but a lady nonetheless, Mommy made sure of that. I was just tired of being hopeful and positive; those types of feelings left me open to disappointment and hurt. I am still like that today.

One day I watched my brother cry, because he was looking to be saved too and our father never came for him either, and that was the day that my brother finally gave up on him too. I couldn’t blame him or be angry with him for giving up on our father and taking a stab at manhood at such a young and naÃ?¯Ã?¿Ã?½ve age. The protective gene in me just wanted to chase him out of the door, and make him come back home to be a little boy but nobody wanted to be home where Daddy was no longer there and Mommy was going through things, real things that we could do nothing about.

So there was my image of a man and a father. Basically, the silent motto in my house was “Ah, who needs him. We’ll live”. I have the tendency to think that if someone doesn’t care they just won’t, which has done a world of damage in my relationships with men. I have found myself very disconnected in relationships just enough to not care if I was betrayed. My subconscious simply advises me that my own father didn’t really give a fuck so why should any other man? And that’s when I make my exit out of the present back into the past to feel that pain better, just to feel something that I know very well.

No matter what wolf or sheep’s clothing we like to dress men in, we always hold them in high-regard. We trust out father figures to make us feel like princess and spouses to treat us like queens. However, there are those of us who have never felt like a princess so we half expect the notion of a man treating us like a queen. It is not that don’t want to be held up on a pedestal, it is feeling like we even deserve it.

Women like me are quick to disrespect a man because his word means nothing. However, we are quick to feel hurt because his words mean everything. Perplexed and feeling like Satan’s experiment we get beat on and think that it’s ok. We lose ourselves easily in men because we never had our own identity. We never grabbed hold of promise and praise. I am so detached sometimes that I can’t stand myself. I beat myself down for not being happier or more positive. That is another feeling that I could do without.

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