Driver’s Ed 101: Your Survival Guide for the Road

There are now more vehicles on the road than ever in America’s history. There are now more IDIOTS driving those vehicles than ever in America’s history. Color THIS the most dangerous era of transportation, ever.

As a former police officer, I believe I can help you SURVIVE on America’s roads.

Let’s tackle some of the basicsâÂ?¦

Stop Signs: While conscientious drivers come to a complete stop, making sure that the intersection is clear and checking for pedestrians, most drivers use the “Oooze Technique”. “Oozers” simply slow down just enough to GAMBLE that that guy on the motorcycle is actually going to stop too. If he doesn’tâÂ?¦well, there’s just more donor organs available.

While stop signs are universally recognized traffic control devices in all fifty states, they are only enforced in three, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Utah. Texas drivers need not heed stop signs, as traffic laws do not apply to you.

Red Lights: Similar to stop signs, except traffic lights were not devised and intended to help traffic flow and traffic safety, they were invented to waste time and fuel. Universally in America, it is the God given right for the mayor of any town to hire his brother or cousin to work full time to ensure that the timing of red lights in that town is the most hideously moronic than any other town in the area. There are actually secret competitions amongst civil traffic engineers for this.

Many cities have now installed surveillance cameras to catch red light runners. These cameras can catch anyone stupid enough to run a red light 24 hours a dayâÂ?¦and send them a ticket in the mail after the fact-provided that running the red light didn’t get them killed. If you do, many states will send you the ticket anyway, just to remind your family that you died doing something really ignorant.

Red lights can be found in all 50 states, Puerto Rico, and Guam. Having to stop at red lights does not apply to truckers, guys who drive construction vehicles, or the elderly. Texas drivers need not heed red lights, as traffic laws do not apply to you.

Highway Lanes: Multi-lane highways in America were planned based on the Eisenhower Interstate System. As a WWII general in Europe, Eisenhower was highly impressed with the German “Autobahn” multi-lane system. The Autobahn was devised with a “travel lane” as the far right hand lane, and one or more “passing” lanes or “express lanes” located to the left. Eisenhower implemented this system in America after becoming president.

In America today, it is recommended that drivers drive the same speed-in every lane, damming up traffic like red meat in an elderly man’s colon. Besides, in a congested modern city, truckers NEED to be in the express lane doing 30 mph below the speed limit, right?

Oh, as a reminder, traffic laws to not apply to commercial drivers. CDL stands for Candy Dispenser License, and anyone can get one provided that you can find a sober person to take the urine test for you.

Keeping the express lane or passing lane clear by returning to the right hand travel lane after you have passed someone is not only courteous, but also allows faster traffic to more efficiently. This, however, is extremely frowned upon in Texas.

Pedestrians: There are laws on the books in all fifty states ensuring the safety of pedestriansâÂ?¦they have the right-of-way. However, being a pedestrian on American streets today is very similar to being a high stakes gambler, and the odds are in the drivers favorâÂ?¦after all, they are surrounded by steel and pedestrians are surrounded by air. If you are unfortunate enough to strike a pedestrian, make sure you find out how far the lifeless body was flung before landing, because it’s the first question your cellmates will ask.

Safety Space: A rule of thumb in the past was a car length of space for every ten miles per hour of speed you were traveling. However, many motorists have difficulty estimating a car length, so the “10 Second Rule” was devised. Drivers are encouraged to leave at least 10 seconds of reaction time behind whatever vehicle you are following.

With the advent of NASCAR, all of these rules are no longer necessary. Today, at interstate highway speeds, if the driver in front of you looks in his rear-view mirror and CAN’T see your grill-your not tailgating CLOSE enough. Tailgating increases your fuel efficiency by “drafting” another vehicle. You could gain up to 10 mpg with this technique.

NOTE: “Drafting” another vehicle will probably get you shot at in Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania.

More helpful safety tips coming in “Driver’s Ed 101: Your Survival Guide For The Road Part II!