Floyd Landis the Doping Dope: New Ugly Face, Same Ugly Story

Floyd Landis, or Floyd Mandis (as he his known in his circle of high testosterone laden men), is a cheater and an idiot. Let me tell you why. I’ve watched a lot of television and done a minimal amount of research, and I keep coming up with the same conclusion: A high testosterone level = cheater. Every expert on the matter agrees with this. I mean, shit, even his own racing team has thrown him under the bus. If they had just literally thrown him under the bus during the Tour de France, than we probably could have been spared this whole ridiculous saga.

Floyd Landis looks like a doper, he has the tiny, ugly face of a cartoon villain. He looks like a walking science experiment, a human sized lab rat. And what’s up with that mustache? How creepy is that? He looks like the actor Steve Zahn, the guy from that stupid Martin Lawrence movie National Security. However, I’m pretty sure Steve Zahn’s mustache is for comedic purposes only. There’s no telling why Landis wears his perv-ccessory.

Before this year’s Tour de France, there was a barrage of steroid news concerning the world’s most boring sport, professional cycling. Cycling makes every second of a soccer match feel like Babe Ruth’s mythical called shot. A couple of top Europeans weren’t allowed to race this year because of positive drug tests and the swirling rumors around Lance Armstrong never seem to stop. Despite, or perhaps in spite of it, cycling seems to have one of the worst performance enhancement drug problems in sports. Now, to their credit, they also have one of the most rigorous testing policies in place. Personally, I am not surprised that these “athletes”, who most likely abandoned all watchable ball sports in favor of one that involves a machine and spandex because they lacked certain necessary skills to excel, have turned to drugs. In fact, they seem like the perfect candidates for performance enhancement drugs.

Professional cycling is just an odd sport. Seemingly, and I’m sure cyclists nuts will tell me I’m wrong, there’s only one meaningful race. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the Tour de France was their only event of the year.

But here’s my whole point in a nutshell, if Lance Armstrong never got cancer than nobody would give a shit about Floyd Landis. And while that’s a loaded sentence, it’s something I truly believe. The Lance Armstrong Story, and not just the Lance Armstrong Victories, made this country care about a retarded, unwatchable sport. Because of Lance Armstrong we as Americans view the Tour de France with the same kind of fervor that we normally reserve for events like the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.

And this, sadly, is not Floyd Landis’ fault. The mustache, howeverâÂ?¦no apology could ever be made for that shit. Pervert.

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