Ah yes, the grill. No, I’m not talking about what your drunken step-father cooks roadkill on, but rather about that gawdy, jewel encrusted tooth accessory which sits in the mouth of every rapper and spoiled white suburbanite. The grill is truly a cultural phenomena which has taken hold of America’s imagination. Suddenly, everyone has one, everyone wants one, and yet nobody really knows why they are attractive or desireable. Seemingly overnight, the grill has become the true mark of a modern gentleman.
Nothing says classy in today’s society like a $100,000 retainer that spells out “Dirt Rapist” in ruby’s and emeralds when one smiles. The culture of hip-hop has taken something that used to be the mark of a pirate or a homeless man with a mouth full of fillings and made it into the most glamorous trait a young affluent male can have. Leave it to those trend setting rappers to take what we least expect and make it cool. Who remembers when selling crack cocaine was considered “uncool” and “dirty”? Boy, it didn’t take Eazy E long to show us how cool it actually turned out to be!
In a similar fashion, hip-hop artists like Paul Wall and Nelly have shown us recently that what a woman truly looks for in a man has nothing to do with love, education, or understanding, but rather focuses on how much “bling” he can fit into his mouth before he suffocates and dies. Rapper Nelly points out in his new hit song “Grillz” (which is actually a scholarly essay on the development of the trend in disguise) what he does with his teeth:
“I got like platinum and white gold, traditional gold
I’m changin grillz errday, like Jay change clothes,
I might be grilled out nicely (oh) In my white tee (oh),
On South beach (oh) in my wife beat.”
Nelly paints quite the picture of sophistication. The modern gentleman should wear white gold, traditional gold, change his grill “errday” (but not his clothes), and sport a white t-shirt while beating his wife in Miami. Oh how far society has come from the days of “suits” and “manners.”
If you want to be a young millionaire with women, yachts, and a private jet, let me give you some starting advice. Listen to Nelly and get yourself a grill. Supress the feeling that you look like you have cavities and dont be alarmed when people run away from you screaming “loose rapist!”, because your dreams are about to come true.