Jessica Simpson: The Interview You’ve Been Waiting for

Why pay money for a magazine when you can read the interview right here for free? Read on!

Allison: Before I start, I want to thank you in advance for taking the time out of your busy schedule for this interview. Even if it’s only over the phone, thousands of readers thank you.

Jessica Simpson: Not a problem, Alysia. I always make time for my fans.

A: Whoa, slow down there. First of all, my name is Allison, you twit. Second of all, I never said I was a fan of yours. I’m doing this so more people will read my writing.

JS: Oh, that’s right. Sorry about that, Alexa.

A: *shaking head* So anyway, everyone knows about the break-up between you and Nick now. Why is it you just couldn’t keep it together with him?

JS: He just couldn’t love me for who I really was, I suppose.

A: For who you really were 4 years ago or who you are now?

JS: I don’t get it…

A: No, of course you don’t. *sighs* Four years ago you refused to allow your body to be your claim to fame. You were all about abstinence and achieving success with your voice and not your boobs. Now you’re like a pin-up girl. Do you think maybe he fell in love with the girl 4 years ago and now you’re just a slut and that’s why he’s leaving you?

JS: I don’t get it…

A: Nevermind. Next question –

JS: – Hey, Alexa, what’s this interview for again?

A: Again, my name is Allison. And again, it’s for all the readers out there, dear.

JS: Where?

A: Where what?

JS: The deer, where is it?

A: Don’t worry about it. Now, next question-

JS: -I think I have the right to know where that deer is!

A: Jessica, do you ever say anything smart?

JS: I am smart.

A: Okay, fine. You’re smart. Now here’s the next question- (I’m interrupted by the sound of her dialing a number on the other end)

JS: Hello?

A: Yes, I’m here…

JS: Yes, I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery.

A: What?

JS: I said I’d like –

A: – I heard that part! You can’t call another number with me on the same line!

JS: Oh, right. Sorry, Andrea, I forgot.

A: ALLISON! MY NAME IS ALLISON! For crying out loud! Next question: How are you coping with the sudden success but also the sudden break-up of your marriage?

JS: *silence*

A: Hello?

JS: *sound of another phone picking up somewhere else in the house and numbers dialing*

A: Jessica?

JS: Wow! How’d you guys knows it was me?

A: What? What are you talking about?

JS: You guys must have Caller ID. Anyway, I’d like-

A: Jessica, are you trying to order a pizza again?

JS: Oh, did I call the wrong number?

A: For the second time, stupid, you cannot call a number on the same line I’m on.

JS: I’m not on the same line, I’m on a different one. The one in the kitchen.

A: You’re on a different phone. Not a different line.

JS: I don’t get it…

A: Forget it. Just forget it. Can we continue with the interview now?

JS: Of course! *sound of one of the phones being hung up*

A: Okay, great. So anyway – (I’m interrupted by the sound of a phone on the same line being picked up again)

Unidentified Voice: Jessa? Did you order that pizza?

JS: Hang up the phone!

A: Who is that?

UV: Who is this?

JS: I said hang up the phone, Nick!

A: Nick? I thought you two were getting divorced?

JS: We are. We’re, um, just spending a little bit –

UV: – I thought you weren’t ashamed of me?

JS: I’m not, now hang up the phone!

A: That’s not your husband, is it Jessica?

UV: I thought you said you’d quit playing games with my heart, Jessa!

A: *shocked tone of voice* Is that Nick Carter?

Nick Carter: Damn right, it’s me!

A: What are you doing there?

NC: Jessa and I are in love. Right, honey?

JS: What? I just wanted some…

NC: Wait, wait. You’re using me?

A: Yeah, okay. Listen, Nick, can you two argue about this later? I’m trying to conduct an interview here.

NC: *sobbing* Oh my God! Oh my God, Jessa, please don’t do this to me!

JS: *sounds of numbers being punched into the phone again* Hello? Yes, I’d like to order –

A: *click*

There you have it, folks! The interview of the year! Unfortunately, her agent was unavailable for comment following the interview.

(By the way, I hope you didn’t think this interview was real.)

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