Lance Bass Comes Out

A few years back, when Justin Timberlake and friends were ruling the chart, it wasn’t uncommon to hear some punk kid say, “NSYNC is totally gay, man.”

Ah today, how the prophetic irony rings true. Lance Bass, who was probably the third or fourth most likeable/famous member of the best selling boy band, recently left the so-called closet and announced to the world that he is gay. He also announced that he is dating a former star of the CBS reality show “Amazing Race” and that’ll he be starring in a gay themed TV pilot with fellow NSYNC-er Joey Fatone.

He want on to mention the creation of a gay theme restaurant chain, where animatronic Lance Bass statues will sing show tunes as guests enjoy a creative menu featuring seventeen different margarita flavors. He also announced that he has eleven different piercings from the nipples on down and that he enjoys autoerotic asphyxiation (“scarfing”), but only in safe settings, and that he’s okay with that and you should be too.

You see, because, in today’s world, being gay actually carries very little water. Only our President and a few 100,000 Bible Belters seem to get a rise out of the idea of homosexuals, and culturally speaking, their opinion means very little. The notion has become so passÃ?© that stars only “come out” when they have a new product to hawk.

Obviously, the third paragraph of this article is made up. I mean, Lance Bass might be into scarfing, but I don’t know that. Maybe I have an overactive imagination, and I’m not saying that I don’t, but I’ve come up with a potential master plan directly related to the Lance Bass Coming Out Party 2006. Here goesâÂ?¦

Lance Bass announces that he’s gay. He gets a lot of media attention. Rather than look like a bigot, Justin Timberlake gives his blessing, despite the fact that what’s about to come next is going to be totally lame. Simultaneously, Bass announces his plans to create a television sitcom in which he will play the “gay guy” and Joey Fatone will play the “less gay guy”. This has already been done (i.e., “Perfect Strangers”) but go with it. Bass was slick and with his “I’m gay” announcement came the revelation that he is dating Reichen Lehmkuhl, the ultra sexy star of CBS’ “Amazing Race”. CBS recognizes the marketing momentum and possible, cross-promotion potential of this development and quickly offers to create said pilot. The show is made and it’s totally lame. It has a nine episode run at 9 PM on Wednesday nights before it’s canceled. Lehmkuhl dumps Bass for a Midwestern architect with great pecs. Lance Bass relocates to Miami for a life full of leather bars and martinis. He puts on forty pounds, starts a secret relationship with a Catholic priest named Barry and eventually dies alone in a dingy motel room at the age of 37 with his pants around his ankles and a plastic bag on his head, the apparent victim of an autoerotic asphyxiation death.

Justin Timberlake writes and records a charity ballad for the Bass Family called “Yearning 2 Be (One with the Lord)”. The single goes platinum.

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