In a gutsy, albeit self-incriminating action, Major League Baseball player, Edgardo Alfonzo, has sued Amp-Up, a steroid manufacturer.
The 32-year old second baseman, recently signed to a triple-A contract by the NY Mets after spending the month of June in obscurity playing for the Atlantic League’s Bridgeport Bluefish, claims that although he has been injecting himself for the past two years-“With enough steroids to put muscles on a burrito.” – Amp-Up’s product has failed to deliver.
In their Internet ad, Amp-Up asserts that their product will “enhance productivity” and “give you muscles like The Incredible Hulk, when he’s really, really mad, and then some.”
But, Alfonzo claims, “The manufacturer’s of Amp-Up are liars,”
Supporting his claim, Alfonzo referenced his batting statistics over the past two years.
In 2005, as a San Francisco Giant, he batted a respectable .277 but only hit 2 home runs in 368 at-bats. In 2006, Alfonzo signed with the Los Angeles Angels who ended up not using him. Alfonzo demanded a trade, and the Angels gladly acquiesced, trading him to the Toronto Blue Jays for an undisclosed amount of cash and a three-year subscription to Penthouse. In 87 at-bats with the Blue Jays, Alfonzo batted only .126, with no home runs. In the handful of games he has played for the Bridgeport Bluefish Alfonzo failed to hit a single home run.
Alfonzo’s curious lack of power coming just a few years after he smacked 25 and 27 home runs in consecutive years while playing for the New York Mets.
“I mean, what else could it be?” queried Alfonzo, mulling over his failures compared to the success of other’s suspected of anabolic super-sizing.
“Look at Barry Bonds,” Alfonzo said. “He’s on the stuff, and he’s chasing the all-time home run record. Me? I shoot up more than an English rock star, and I’m chasing a minor league team bus to Asswedge, PA.”
To substantiate his claim against Amp-Up, Alfonzo set up a brief demonstration employing a batting practice pitcher and a randomly picked 18-year old grounds crew member who happened to be walking by the batting cage that Alfonzo was leaning against while being interviewed.
“Watch this,” Alfonzo demanded. “I’ll take a few cuts, and then we’ll give this hombre a few swings.”
Alfonzo connected on three straight pitches, failing to clear the infield with any of his hits. The grounds crew member then took his cuts, and rocketed two of the three batting pitches off the left field wall.
“You see,’ Alfonzo said, dejectedly. “This morning I shot up with enough Amp-Up to kick-start Lazarus, but I get nothing.”
Augmenting his assertion, Alfonzo dropped his pants, displaying a reddish, swollen right ass cheek sporting more perforations than your average screen door.
“If I put any more holes in my butt,” Alfonzo said. “I’ll have to wear a diaper!”
When advised of MLB’s now stringent anti-steroids policy, and the probability that confessing to steroid use will lead to immediate suspension, Alfonzo, a native Venezuelan, responded decisively.
“Que?” Alfonzo asked, sliding into Sammy Sosa mode by pretending that a language barrier existed between himself and the English-speaking reporters in attendance.
“No hable Englise’,” he said, waving his hands.
Alfonzo concluded the impromptu interview by running off to hide in the locker room.