Married and Bored: To Go or Not Go Down with the ‘Ship

So you think you want to be single again. You’re at that point in a relationship when singlehood is beckoning you like a lady from a Dutch alley. Singlehood starts reminding you of its countless undulating bosoms you’ve not yet buried your nose in. Singlehood walks down the street in front of you, swiveling sweet honey hips in front of your eyes like pendulums.

The first thing to remember: do not follow your instinct and go directly to the honey’s hive. Sadly, in this modern world of gender equality and damned reasonableness, the millions of years of evolution that made man the ultimate animal has now brought us to feel guilty for engaging in the very thing we are built for – to do the horizontal mambo. No sir, instead of enjoying yourself with the wonderful tramp, you go directly home to take care of the temptation in one of two ways: through manual relief or by having intercourse with that once-special wife of yours who now reminds me you of an old broke-in catcher’s mitt.

Don’t fret. Not yet. Remember, our grandfathers spent entire lifetimes getting nagged (often without nooky) and those poor bastards endured the misery all because divorce was a societal taboo. But before you go and turn yourself into a sexless martyr hell-bent on keeping the relationship together, remember that it’s possible your once-special lady is yearning to stray as much as you because your lovin’ excites her no more than a good sit on the washing machine. This is all part of a healthy relationship.

Sure, this section of the old relationship is a far cry from that day hiking on Mount Shasta when you ravished her like you were Fabio covering a romance novel. This part of the old ‘ship is light years away from the five-times-in-one-night-high-on-Peyote episode. No doubt, the rations are getting smaller now on the ‘ship; you’ve been at sea a very long time, lad! You’re lucky to get once or twice a week, and where you used to be a motorboat, you’re now Ben-Hur slaving over an oar to the beat of the oarmaster, going back and forth in the same position, trying to finish quickly so you can go to sleep or watch The King of Queens re-runs. Uff-dah!

Well, you can’t be young and in love forever. If you started out burning for each other like white phosphorous you’re bound to become a pilot-light sooner or later. In the old ‘ship, it gets cold at night. Some men go through one good season at sea and never see anything but winter afterwards. Eventually those men die of frostbite – one day their penis hits the floor with a loud thud and crumbles. And at the funeral of an old miserable married man everyone clamors over one another to congratulate the family members on what a steadfast fellow he was. Unfortunately, no one wants to admit the truth, that the poor sap spent more time suckling on his mother’s titty than he did on his wife’s and that the stiffest thing he’s had between his legs since man landed on the moon is a tossup between the TV remote and his nightly Brandy Manhattan. This is not a happy ending, fellas.

At least your not one of those guys yet, right? You’re not dead anyway. But you may feel like your house is a morgue, or the air has gone stale. Both members of a relationship notice when the electric feeling ends. After a while you can tell if the electricity is on or off from the first word she says, and if that word falls flat, so goes any kind of mood that might have gotten you properly boned. In many cases her mood cannot be altered no matter what you do or say. You could walk in dressed like Julius Caesar quoting Lord Byron and hung as low as Wilt the Stilt Chamberlain and she wouldn’t allow anything past the first nipple-twist. Oh woman; whyfore art thou pulling that crap on us all the time? We want to make you feel good, understand?
Usually, after you’re amorous advances have been thwarted a few times by her, you simply give up. The injuries to your ego weaken your advances each time and you think, “I’ll find my action somewhere else.” She is a brick wall to your rubber dart gun. Worst of all, her stonewalling you is ruddering the ‘ship on a sexless course.

The better part of your moral self attempts to believe that everything will be ok, when in reality everything might not. The optimistic voice inside you believes she may yet roll over and open her flower to your stinger. But realistically, if you are intent on salvaging your sex life and the ‘ship, you had better plan on providing the motivation yourself. Expecting change to spontaneously magnetize her mouth to your crotch like she did in the honeymoon phase is pure fantasy. It takes something special for her to regain that chemistry that once brought your special places to union. Alcohol is a good place to start.
Half the problem is exhaustion. In America, we spend more time at work and commuting than any other country in the world. In 2001, the British Guardian reported that each American worker puts in an entire extra week of hours per year than he did in 1991 (“US Workers Suffer Labour Pains.” Michael Ellison. Sept 3, 2001). No wonder you’re both tired and crabby when you get home and all too ready to watch the TV – it’s certainly easier to look at beautiful women on TV than it is convince your wife that you need sex.

Not to mention – your wife doesn’t look like the women on TV. Of course, she just worked a full day and hasn’t been air-brushed by professional artists prior to entering the front door. She hasn’t had the unsightly portions of her ass and thighs cropped off by a computer geek using Adobe Photoshop. And, yes, the bags under her eyes aren’t exactly helping either. Sometimes you wonder how you fell in love with her.

However, she looks at you with the same wonder as you are sitting on the couch forming your primitive nightly tripod: Hand-to-beer-bottle, beer-bottle-to-mouth. Tip, suck, tip, suck, tip, suck – like it was man-formula. She watches you as you reach between your legs to scratch yourself. She wonders if any evolution has ever occurred in the male gender.

The easily forgotten truth is that, at one time, you did fall in love with one another, and if the dormant magic of your relationship is worth saving so is your rusty magic wand. Americans go without sex too often for you to join the prudish masses. Ask not what your country can do for you – for crying out loud, bring up the national average by chasing her around the room with your doodle flopping to-and-fro, the way you used to do. Rather than immediately give up on her, you gotta try, you gotta give it a shot. It’s like searching for a boy’s missing dog; you know the dog is probably road pizza, but you at least spend some time stapling signs to telephone poles and asking around the neighborhood with the kid. Here are some ideas to try:

Act Stupid: Immaturity can be very enticing to a woman, as long as it’s not all the time. Do the things that used to make her laugh. If she responds sourly, remind her that she used to laugh at it – how come she doesn’t laugh anymore? It may not get her to pour candle wax on herself, but anything that spawns a conversation is worth trying. If you are living in dead air, breathe some life into it. Plus, asking her why she doesn’t laugh anymore may have a delayed effect – she may start thinking about why she doesn’t laugh anymore and become more playful (though most likely not into a woodland nymph).

Be Lusty: Be the jerk you always knew you could be. Say things before she leaves for work about what you want to do to her. Give her something to stir up her sexual thoughts at work. Send her a dirty text message or e-mail (wording it within the boundaries of what the employee e-mail filter will allow to get to her)âÂ?¦e.g. “It’s been a long dayâÂ?¦and baby I’m feeling long.” Penetrate her brick wall by making her feel beautiful, especially if she’s fat and ugly, and knows it. Flattery gets you everywhere.

Use Old Tricks: Hundreds of years ago, men had to use gifts and dowrys to get some action that same way we have to today. They complained just as much as we do, too. But this doesn’t mean you should bring her a freshly tanned beaver pelt or mason jar filled with moonshine. Try buying some nice wine instead of your usual Pabst Blue Ribbon. Ask the wine assistant at the grocery store for ideas. Buy or steal some flowers; flower bunches are not expensive. Those little things fool her into thinking you are a romantic instead of a psycho…and can certainly make her more likely to put out.

Have Fun: If you’re not having fun, or you find yourself thinking of some other woman every time you actually do get her in the sack, then the thrill is gone. You want to get back to the point where you actually think of her during sex instead of her best friend and Kathy Ireland in a menage-a-trois. Make it fun. Fake it until you make it. You already know she’s faking orgasm half the time, why can’t you fake the joy a bit, too?

Send her to Therapy: Depression is beyond your assistance in many cases. Have her figure her problems out with a professional. As for yourself – discuss the matter with your bartender.

If she’s still as frigid as Rudolf’s nose on Christmas morning even after you’ve tried to improve the relationship, you may be ready to sail for better waters. Why wait to die in a ‘ship that is going nowhere? Give it your best effort and give it time to work out. Find out what’s wrong. Something about her attracted you to begin with, so what was it? If it was money, then it’s understandable, but otherwise you must have had a genuine old-fashioned love at some point, right? If you’re like lots of other guys, you commit yourself to that old relationship and say, “I may sink this damn ‘ship but I am going to ride it to the ocean floor and die if I have to, just to make this woman happy.”

Or, as an alternative to commitment, here’s the short solution: have sex with a Dutch whore, and continue the relationship with your wife – never let anyone know – take the secret to your grave. Repeat as needed (monthly). Amen.

Sincerely yours,

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