Married and Bored: Your Spouse is a Pet Worshipper

One day you entered the mall and exited owning a dog. Or maybe her aunt died and left her a cat in the will. Maybe a blind, three-legged stray chinchilla that answers to the name of ‘Lucky’ ran into your house. However it happened, she now dotes on that animal twenty-four hours a day. You can’t go get a taco unless you have a logistical project outline for the well-being of the pet. More time is put into the pet’s meal than your own. You find yourself telling your wife about your workday and she never hears a word because she can’t stop nosing the cat. If you admitted that you banged Jezebel herself, your wife would not bother to look up from swapping snot with the animal.

However it happened, you have been outsourced, my friend. Outsourced to an animal that is full of love, that never stops loving, that is so much more than you, and comes built-in with all the characteristics of Ghandi. Yes, a four-legged Jesus. Suddenly you are a miserable prick for not sharing the same level of affection for the pet. Dismayed by your callousness, she asks you how you cannot love the kitty. You look so good with the kitty on your lap. She starts taking pictures of you sitting near the kitty, kitty on your side, kitty over your head, kitty in mid-air lunging for your neck, kitty kitty kitty. When you get the film developed you see twenty-four kitties and no snatch.

Maybe it’s not that surprising that she replaced you. For one thing, the cat doesn’t spend its time boozing with The Simpsons at full volume and oozing EZ-Cheese onto Cheez-its. On the contrary, every minute is quality time to the pet. A pet never tires of ‘spending time.’ A pet can wait patiently during that span you call eternity and she calls “curling her hair.” A pet perks its ears at the mere sound of her voice, instead of wincing. Her mind has been overtaken by that innocent little pet, which, by the way, hates you and wants you to die.

What happened to your special lady friend? She has been happily kidnapped by the cult of pet-crazies. Maybe her biological clock is sprung. If she doesn’t have a kid, so might dote more on the pet. If she missed her window on having kids or wants to have kids, this obsession might get worse yet, and soon it’s doggy birthday parties, hats and all. Rather than look at this as a bad situation, let’s analyze the pros and cons of to better understand how we feel about all this.

Pet Pros:
Kids: Whether you want to have kids or not, this pet mania might be helpful to you. Especially if you want to mess with her head. Perhaps you want to have kids and up until now she hasn’t wanted them. In this situation you can push for the pregnancy. If you are hoping to never have kids, let the pet be her surrogate child and leave it alone. Buying pet food could mean never having to buy Air Jordan’s for three different pairs of growing feet. In this sense, Fido can be your secret ally. Or you can bounce between opinions and she’ll never know what you’re going to say next. I want kids, I don’t want kids, I love the dog, I hate the dog. That’s just classic husbanding.

Less Talking: All this time you’ve been looking for excuses to avoid talking, and she found a hobby that makes her uninterested in you. This might be considered poetic justice to some. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. But there is a silver lining to this cloud; no more complaining from her about you clamming up about your feelings. Your feelings are roadkill compared to the jumping puppy who wants a milkbone. Even after you give the wife your own milkbone she will go right back to worrying about the pup after the faked orgasm, and yes, you can just go to sleep. Knock that ass and roll over for a nap.

Encourage Pet Days: Send her out for a weekend pet activity so that you can go to the game with whatever friends you have left that don’t bore you to tears. For the time being, (and for a limited time until pet owners have the Constitution changed so that their pets can vote), pets are not allowed in stadiums, strip joints, and casinos. Have her drive to the beach with Fido while you get your swerve on at the craps table blowing your entire paycheck.

Pet Cons:
You’ll Need Plenty of Bags: You may imagine that you will not be relegated to picking up dog poop, that she will be the one to do that task since it is her pet. Wrong answer, fool. Save every plastic bag you bring home from Safeway and Walmart because sooner or later you will be out in the yard or in the city park pinching crap between your thumb and forefinger, wondering how the hell you are tending an ass other than your own so meticulously. Other men will point at you and laugh. Your ego will die quickly. In the event the animal ever has a dangling turd, you will have to go for the reach around and pick it off like a rotten berry. Kiss your manhood goodbye. With a cat in the house, get ready to sop up the vomit and Febreze the carpet on a weekly basis.

Three’s a Crowd: Undoubtedly she will want to have the pet sleep in the bed with her, which means the pet will sleep with you as well. Without fail the cat will settle into a spot somewhere on the blankets where your legs will be partially pinned down. Being a sensitive man, you will be uncomfortable but reluctant to throw the bag of bones off the bed. At some point you will have to get up and go to the bathroom. While you are gone, the cat (who hates you) moves into your space on the bed and promptly gets diarrhea. You tell your wife about the mess, but somehow you end up cleaning it up. If you can find a blanket that the cat hasn’t soiled, have fun on the couch for the rest of the night.

Unwanted Scars: If you and your wife are still actually having sex, when you make love the pet will be watching closely and waiting for the right moment to bite you in the ass. This friend of mine was balls deep on his special lady when a Boxer charged his pounding rear end and sunk his teeth in. He bled like a stuck hog, as the saying goes. If you are a sadist or masochist, this con can be reclassified as a pro for you. For the rest of us, consider wearing a girdle or kevlar jock while making love. The pet is upset about being neutered; be very afraid.

Unfinished Business: If you once believed that Saturday was college football day, and you used to sit on the couch from sunup to midnight watching games, you can now expect to miss the endings of at least three games, usually in the final minutes, at which time you have to take the pet outside or clean the litter box. Now is the time to start looking into Tivo so you can record those lost moments.

What it really comes down to is tending to the pets excretions. One day you will wake up and be asked the question, “Did Fluffy go poop yesterday?” Not only will you know the answer, but you will sound like a Castrol GTX advertisement when you report back on the size, odor, color, consistency, viscosity, and thermal breakdown of the doggy doo-doo. Yes, and you won’t even laugh while discussing the topic. If only you paid so much attention to your own bowel movements; you might have made the Olympic team after all!

Certainly, pets can be wonderful companions and you should be pleased for your mate that she has discovered a joy in her life. The pet is something to take the focus off of you, and it gives your wife an outlet for her failed expectations of you as a man. She will be less focused on your drug, alcohol, and gambling problems and you will be free to defile yourself further without much ado. In the end, you will be the third wheel and really you should be thankful. Our whole goal is to keep her happy enough to leave us alone. She’s a special woman, surely, and you love her. As long as she is happy enough to not make you miserable, bless her heart.

However, in the event you find yourself insanely jealous of the dog whenever your wife cuts you off in mid-sentence to goo-goo the dog, one piece of advice for you may be to call your local drug dealer and see if he can’t arrange an ‘accident’ for the next time the pet is wandering outside. A well-placed poison-tip blow-dart from a seemingly harmless bush might do the trick. You yourself cannot be anywhere near the pet’s demise, because you will be blamed for it anyway even if you were in Antarctica during the accident. Your wife will become Kojak until she finds the truth anyway, and the truth is that you murdered the dog no matter what. Get ready for no sex, but at least it will give your ass bites time to heal.

Sincerely yours,

Married-n-Bored

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