The constant drumbeat of negativity from the Vietnam, anti any war that they cannot use to make themselves more powerful, left has brought me to the point where I have to admit that it is time to negotiate with the terrorists. So with me today I have Mohammed Usama Achmed Al Zarqawi bin Laden who has agreed to sit down and negotiate an end to our war with Islamic Terrorism.
Let’s begin shall we?
J.J. Jackson: Thank you Mohammed for joining me.
Mohammed: Thank you for finally succumbing to the great and glorious power of Allah. But I must correct your infidel misconceptions. We are not “terrorists”. We are soldiers of Allah purging the land of the infidels like you.
J.J. Jackson: Well, since we are here to negotiate an end to this war and in the spirit of moving these talks forward, we’ll just have to chalk that up to a difference of opinion.
Mohammed: Our terms are simple. You are an infidel and non-believer. You must convert or die.
J.J. Jackson: Mohammed, that is unacceptable. I was thinking we could discuss perhaps a solution where we could both live in peace.
Mohammed: You must convert or die. No other solution is acceptable.
J.J. Jackson: Well I’m not going to renounce my faith in Christ and I am not going to die. I am here and we have to come to a better solution.
Mohammed: If you will not convert then you and all the infidels must die.
J.J. Jackson: What about if we pull our troops out of Iraq and let you take control of the region and subjugate the people there to Sharia Law?
Mohammed: The land of Iraq will be ours by the will of Allah but leaving will not save you. All infidels must die.
J.J. Jackson: I told you Mohammed, I am not going to die. What about if we give you Iraq and Afghanistan?
Mohammed: The lands of Islam will be conquered by our armies and you will die. There can be no land of peace. You are an infidel.
J.J. Jackson: I told you I am not going to die. What if we remove our military bases from Saudi Arabia?
Mohammed: The kingdom of Saudi Arabia will once again be returned to the glory of Allah! And you and all the others infidels will die.
J.J. Jackson: I’m beginning to think that you are simply being unreasonable. But because I have been convinced that this war is wrong and we must negotiate I’ll sweeten the deal. You can have Iraq, Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia and we’ll remove all the Jews from Israel and set them up with a new nation in South Carolina.
Mohammed: We will drive the evil Zionists into the sea wherever they are and we shall kill all the infidels!
J.J. Jackson: Mohammed, you’re not making this look good for the liberals that have convinced me that we should end this war by talking to you.
Mohammed: What part of “we want you to die” don’t you understand?
J.J. Jackson: Ok, I’ll tell you what, we’ll throw in France. You can have it. How about it?
Mohammed: The evil nation of France will be ours by the will of Allah and we shall purge all the infidels from the lands. We will kill all infidels around the world.
J.J. Jackson: Ok, ok. It seems you will not be happy until you kill someone. How about we let you have all the liberals? Huh? How about it? They’re a pretty decadent lot. You can kill them and be happy right?
Mohammed: We will kill all the infidels!
J.J. Jackson: Ok how about all the liberals and half the Jews? You really seem to hate the Jews and I am sure if you would agree to live in peace half would surely willingly give up their lives.
Mohammed: All of the infidel Jews will die along with their Zionist empire which has stolen that which rightfully belongs to the soldiers of Allah.
J.J. Jackson: Ok, all the liberals, half the Jews and we’ll let you beat the rest of the Jews half to death?
Mohammed: We will kill all the infidels!
J.J. Jackson: Ok, we’ll let you kill all the liberals, half the Jews, beat the rest of the Jews half to death, all the land we have previously offered and you can cut off one leg from everyone else.
Mohammed: No, you must all die!
J.J. Jackson: Mohammed, why are you being so unreasonable?
Mohammed: We are not being unreasonable! Allah demands the death of all Infidels! You will die. Only then will there be peace.
J.J. Jackson: I’m beginning to think that there is no negotiating with you Mohammed. Surely there must be something we can do to end this?
Mohammed: Yes, you must all die!
J.J. Jackson: What about if I sweeten the pot with a lifetime supply of Krispy Kreme donuts?
Mohammed: Mmmmm. When all the infidels are dead we shall have all the Krispy Kremes we desire! Death to the Infidels!
J.J. Jackson: How about the Krispy Kremes and the secret formula for Coca Cola?
Mohammed: Allah Akbar! Death to the infidels!
J.J. Jackson: Hmmm. How odd. No sane person could resist the secret formula.
Mohammed: DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!
J.J. Jackson: Maybe we cannot negotiate with you. Is there nothing that we can offer you for peace?
Mohammed: We will have peace when the lifeless bodies of all the infidels lay on blood stained ground!
J.J. Jackson: Sigh. Sorry all you liberals out there. I tried. But there is simply no negotiating with these people. It appears that yes, sometimes war is the answer.