Sadness and Letting Go

Today is January 27, 2006 and it is 1:50P.M. and I have just lost my other half. I can hardly believe what has happened, he just came from the hospital yesterday, and he went so fast, I did not realize that he would go that fast, I thought he would be here for a long time.

I have made a promise to my husband, that quite a lot of people would know about him, he was a wonderful man, who was giving and loved fair hot dogs. We would go to the county fairs, to see if they had a special brand of hot dogs (Peters’ Hot Dogs). After we went to the fair, and if they didn’t have them, we would go to the next fair. We had to keep a list of where they had the Peter’s hot dogs. He was a picky eater, certain brands of food, would not eat ketchup, mayo or mustard, just a little salt.

He had such a quick wit, you could say something, and he would always have a response before you were finished talking. He always had trouble sleeping, and his mind raced at night, he would come up with these unique stories, I called them tales (fictional). After one of his tales, oh pardon me, stories he would give me such a look as to say, I am shocked to think you would think I am kidding you. My response would be Yah, right!

One morning after he got up, he asked his father, if they were poor when he was a young boy. His father told him no, they were not poor, but they were not rich. Well then my hubby start this story. He said that since we were not rich, that in order for him to get a bike, his father had to make him one out of imitation wood. I just started shaking my head and laughing, finally giving him my look that said “tale.” He would give me a look that said ” I am shocked, that you think, I would fib you.”

He liked fishing, he could sit in a boat all day and night, then would go night fishing and would stay out there until the bugs would start to carry him to shore. I was waiting in the cabin, that had a mouse, that was so much fun.

Today, I had to tell him it was okay, to go be with his mother who passed away in 1997. I told him I love him very much and that his son and me would miss him very much, but we would be okay. It was so hard to let him go. I have such a sadness at times today, his being gone. He was my best friend, my other half, the love of my life, and at times it felt we could read each other mind. We would say the same thing at the same time.

In June of 2004, he was told he had the Big “C”, cancer, Renal Cell Cancer, 30,000 people get this cancer each year, only 12,000 survive. It is an aggressive cancer. On the way home I asked what he was felt and was thinking. He said, “he felt numb and like someone took a baseball bat and swung for the head.” I was stunned, thinking not my hubby, please not my hubby. He went through 3 different kinds of chemos’, but none of them worked. I was the one that would give him shots, and take him to the hospital for his other chemo treatment, he had to go once a week . After we learned he had cancer, he told me three things: he was proud of me for giving up smoking, he thanked me for everything I did for him, and that he loved me very much. I hugged him each day, and told him I loved him very much, and that we had to be very positive. Even when he was doing his chemo, he would think of others and what he could do for them. He gave his Doctor a stuff cow that was signed by one of our news reporter that also had cancer and is a survivor.

I thank you for your time and letting me tell you about a wonderful man, who passed away today. He will missed by many, he was unique in his own way, with his stories, and tales. I am starting a new journey today and am wondering how I am going to make it. I have faith in God, and believe I am blessed. It is just that I will be alone, and not with hubby, I will have to go through a lot of firsts’ by myself. He will miss our 34th wedding Anniversary by about 35 days, he will miss his grandchild’s birthday, he will miss my birthday, he will miss his son’s birthday, he will miss going out to eat together, he will miss going shopping with me, he will miss seeing his family and friends, he will miss talking with me, he will miss so many other things or events, and I will miss him very much.

Take care and be good to you and yours. Give them lots of hugs. Tell them you love them and spend time with them. I was blessed to spend time with him.

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