Snap, Crackle, Poor

Unemployment has been rising fairly steadily since October 2000, rising from 3.9 percent to its current level of 5.7 percent with 8.1 million workers. The nation, thus, has a serious, persistent jobs and unemployment problem that will not go away. Everybody is affected by this problem, even celebrities. Of course I’m talking about that adorable cereal mascot, Crackle.

That’s right everyone’s favorite cereal elves are famous for their Rice Krispies commercials in which they explain how their cereal makes sound effects that just happen to be the names of the three of them. But the cereal business doesn’t make the kind of cash it once did. No longer do you see the cereal companies try and trick kids into liking cereal for their marshmallows or chocolate covering. Gone are the days of trying to sell your cereal solely on what toy is in side, in fact you barely see any cereal commercials at all today. If you look closely at the little guys you’ll see they have had to get second jobs. Snap is wearing a toque, or a chef hat, so he obviously is a chef. It’s also clear that Pop is wearing a soldier uniform. Crackle is wearingâÂ?¦.normal clothes. Why? Unfortunately Crackle is unemployed.

As a very concerned fan of the Rice Krispies I decided I would reach out to Crackle and help him out with his unemployment. First I thought naturally that Snap and Pop would want to help, after all the three of them have been friends for decades. First I sat down with Pop and asked how come Crackle hasn’t joined him in the armed forces. “Look, I love Crackle like a brother but the guy can’t shoot worth a lick” Pop said. “This one time the two of us went quail hunting with Cap’n Crunch, Toucan Sam and Tony the Tiger and he accidentally shot Sam right through the beak! Who could possibly be stupid enough to shoot one of their fellow hunters on accident while quail hunting?” I asked Crackle if this story were true and he replied, “Look man, in my defense, Toucan Sam IS a bird. How am I supposed to know the difference between a toucan and a quail?”

Next I decided to ask Snap if Crackle could get a job as a chef, it can’t be that hard right? “You wouldn’t think it’s very hard” Snap explained. “But he obviously watched too many commercials in the 80’s because he wanted to gimmick up all the Rice Krispies. He wanted to put marshmallows in them and sugar-coat them. I tried to explain to him that Rice Krispies taste good without all that stuff. Plus the sugar coating would get rid of the snap, crackle, and pop sound! Then where would we work?” Snap continued, “He also had some pretty horrible ideas for the toys to put inside. At one point he insisted on GOBOTS! Can you believe that? Not Transformers, but GOBOTS! I think it’s best if he stays out of the kitchen.”

So it looks like Snap and Pop won’t be any help so I turned to some other friends of mine, four guys who at one point had their own cereal, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “You guys are always looking for another Turtle right?” I asked the Turtles. Leonardo replied “Oh sure, we’re always looking for a reserve, crime fighting is getting tough these days.” I asked them if my friend Crackle could join the Turtles and they talked it over. “I’m not sure” Donatello said, “Does he have a gimmick?” “What do you mean?” Crackle asked. Donatello explained, “We all have gimmicks. You know, Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, etc. Do you have any talents? Crackle thought long and hard. “UmmmâÂ?¦Well, I played the recorder in middle school.” Then Raphael stepped in. “No way are we going to let this pipsqueak join. He’s not a teenager, he’s not a mutant, he’s not a ninja, he’s not a turtle.” “Plus his name isn’t a famous artist”, Michelangelo added. So sadly, the Ninja Turtles turned Crackle down.

We searched high and low for jobs for Crackle. We tried to get him on a Wheaties box but believe it or not Wheaties doesn’t accept foosball players. We tried to talk to Fred Flintstone about his bowling team but he was too busy chasing around Barney. We even talked to Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo Berry about joining their team of monsters but they said Crackle wasn’t pale enough. Fortunately I had one last ace up my sleeve.

I took Crackle with me to a dark alley; he wondered what we were doing there. After taking a look around to make sure the coast was clear I signaled that it was safe. Out of the shadows came the Cookie Crook and his dog Chip. “Yo, this the guy?” Crook asked me. After I introduced Crackle to Cookie Crook, the Crook explained that they were going to rob the store across the street of all its Cookie Crisps. Crackle seemed to be ok with the idea they even agree to call them self “the Crookles”. As Crackle walked across the street in his new black mask and red hat with little cookies on it, I smiled like a proud papa. I had found Crackle a job. Suddenly I heard a loud “Coooooookie Crisp!” All the alarms went off and soon the Crook, Chip and Crackle came running out of the store with Officer Crumb not far behind. That stupid dog, it’d be so much easier if he didn’t yell Cooooookie Crisp every time he saw a box of Cookie Crisp. Oh well, don’t worry they’ll get away, they always get away.

Now let’s see if we can’t do something about getting that starving rabbit some Trix.

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