Summer 2005 Movies Predicted

Why wait until the upcoming summer to review the summer blockbuster movies when one can accomplish this just as easily right now?

Let’s start with the basics. Approximately 55% of the releases will be sequels or sequels of sequels, and of the ensuing 45% remaining, we can roughly figure about 30% of these beauts will either (a) rehash an already obscenely overused storyline, (b) remake a perfectly credible previously released film readily available in most video stores or (c) bring to life either some comic book superhero, cartoon, cartoon superhero or failed 70’s TV show with marginal superhero introduced into storyline in the hopes of melding genres.

The piddling amount of films unable to squeeze into any of the aforementioned categories make up the brash and unnerving attempts to inject originality and ingenuity within our summertime viewing pleasure.

But enough about those, it’s more fun to discuss everything else.

We can expect approximately two major car chases per film, regardless of the genre at hand being buddy cop flick, teen horror, animated coming-of-age comedy or animated buddy cop teen horror satire spoof comedy thriller.

We can expect to see most of our popular young comedians show up on the big screen in the role of either all-knowing, veteran, yet wisecracking, cop or green and fumbling, yet wisecracking, rookie cop. Either way, in the end, they’ll save the day. They always save the day regardless. In most cases, they’ll be paired up with someone who is the complete opposite of them; a situation which in the real working world would only guarantee several issue-related one on one sit-downs moderated by a member of the corporate HR staff, not a major break in solving a federal crime while capturing a devious criminal mastermind.

We can expect to see things blown up. Lots of them. Oodles and oodles of things blown up if you want to get right down to it. In fact, a finely aimed single gunshot piercing the armor of a car will be enough to ignite the thing into a blazing hellhole of fire, usually at just the same time it’s former inhabitants are barely crossing the imaginary line separating them from actually being blown up as part of the hellhole of fire to just being blown enough of a distance away from said fire hellhole that they are able to block out what must be crippling, severely painful injuries and look back upon the blaze.

We can expect a character to literally ooze villainous menace, evil and utter wickedness, often all at the same time, so charmingly it comes as a complete surprise when it turns out he’s a bad, bad guy.

At some point Disney will release an animated full length feature which, through the use of an inventive backdrop in which to place a new variation of the exact same characters going on the exact same life-altering search set to a variation of the exact same Elton John-Tim Rice musical production values, will still end up being among the top three highest grossing films of the summer season. Guaranteed.

We can expect only a miniscule amount of characters to adhere to fashion and living standards built around a realistic understanding of the salary scale inherent in their type of employment.

We can expect more and more ethnically derived bad puns, outdated fish-out-of-water affectations and blatantly obvious examples of cultural differences uttered all in the name of attempted cutting edge comedy.

What we can’t expect? Please refer to earlier paragraph estimating the possibility of originality and ingenuity in large quantities.

Unfortunate and sad, yet true. But in writing this months prior to the actual summer, there is still hope.

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