The Amazing Home Mortician Kit

Camera 1 – Long shot: suburban ranch type home with attached garage, well manicured landscaping, sunny bright summer day, quick few walk-by’s, children playing etc. Pan in toward closed garage door.

Camera 2 – Inside shot: neatly apportioned interior garage, tools hung, tidy rows of rakes etc. man with back to camera working on something, humming.

Direction: Knocking at garage door.

Camera 3 – Medium shot: Man standing outside at door waiting, casual dress, plaid shirt, khaki pants.

Direction: Door opens.

Camera 4 – Close-up: Man standing in doorway, looking out, and smiling.

Bill: “Why Ted what a surprise, how are you, what’s up”?

Ted: “Hey neighbor, I just stopped by to see if I could borrow your amazing “All-In-One-Home-Handyman-Battery-Operated-Back-Hoe-&-Sink-Snake-Sewer-System” you know, the one you got from that TV infomercial last year”.

Bill: “Sure Ted, sure, come-on in”.

Direction: Carry camera shot of them walking into garage, door closes, actors hit their marks.

Camera 2 – Medium shot: Men standing in center of garage.

Bill: “So Ted, want a beer”?

Ted: “I Surely do, Thanks”!

Bill: “Wait here a minute”!

Direction: Walks over to small refrigerator in corner of garage, brings back two amber bottles, hands one to Ted. They clink bottles together.

Bill: “Cheers”!

Ted: “Cheers”!

Direction: They raise their arms and take a sip.

Ted: “Hey, Thanks for the brewski, hot day”!

Bill: “No problem, sure is, so what are you up to my friend”.

Ted: “Well I finally decided to re-dig that drainage trench around my property; you know the one that use to connect to fallout shelter I built last year during the anthrax scare”. “Well, I had the wife and kid’s out there digging like immigrants, but finally she say’s something I couldn’t quite here over the game on the TV I was watching out on the porch at the time, then abruptly she takes the kid’s, git’s in the car and drives off somewhere, haven’t seen em since”. He shrug’s he shoulders.

Direction: Bill look’s squarely at Ted:

Bill: “When this happen”?

Ted: “Last week, I think Thursday”.

Bill: “Women”!

Ted: “Yea”! “Women”!

Direction: They clink their bottles again and take another sip.

Bill: “So you want to borrow the amazing “All-In-One-Home-Handyman-Battery-Operated-Back-Hoe-&-Sink-Snake-Sewer-System” to finish the job off, right”?

Ted: “Yea”! “I figure they aut-ta-be-back any day now and it might make it easier for em, you know what a softy I am”.

Bill: “Oh, I sure do and, I’m sure it will make it a heck of a lot faster, and easier for em too”!

Ted: “So what you up to on such a fine day Bill”?

Bill: “Hey Ted, I’m glad you asked, I think you’ll really get a kick out of this little beauty”.

Ted: “Bill, another TV infomercial”?

Bill: “You-bet-you, and, this one is a doozie”!

Camera 5 – Pan-in: Talking-head shots.

Ted: “So tell me about it”.

Bill: “Well Ted, do you have any idea how many people die every day, in this county alone”?

Ted: “No, haven’t really every thought about it lately, how many”?

Bill: “A-Lot, Ted, a-lot”. “Thousands maybe even millions, you know”! “Especially in cities like; Detroit, New York, Los Angeles, hey even Cleveland”! “Any City, Any Time, Any Day-of-the-Week, their Droppin-Like-Flies”.

Ted: “So”?

Bill: “So”! “That’s where I’m gonna cash-in with this little baby, big time, right at home and, all in my spare time too”!

Direction: He hold’s up box to camera.

Camera 6 – Tight-shot: Box.

Bill: Voice-over: “Voila”! “The Amazing All In One Home Mortician Kit”!

Direction: Queue up music.


Licensed under the provisions of the: Country of Cantaloupeia

Not recommended for children under the age of 12

All service requests routed through India

Paten Pending

Made in China

Formaldehyde Not Included

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

4 × nine =