Hello, I am Don Mattingly’s Mustache, filling in for the usual writer of this column. This is my Mustache Manifesto, in four parts.
I. Three Great Mustache Styles
-The Hitler-stache (The Toothbrush)
Probably the most misunderstood mustache style is the so-called Hitler-stache, popularized by German dictator Adolf Hitler. This style is actually called the Toothbrush and it was first made famous by American movie man Charlie Chaplin. The Toothbrush is a thick but shaven mustache, about one inch length, centered over the upper lip. This mustache can be fun is great for summer (more on that later).
The Dali is a special mustached, popularized and named after surrealist Spanish artist Salvador Dali. The Dali is a narrow mustache with long points bent or curved steeply upward; areas past the corner of the mouth must be shaved. The Dali is an underutilized mustache and according to some of my reports, is making quite the comeback.
-The Fu Manchu
The Fu Manchu mustache is a great mustache. If you like to watch the Sopranos, you’ll know this mustache. It was the mustache worn by Vito’s New Hampshire love interest, Johnny Cakes. But don’t get the wrong idea; the fu manchu mustache is not just for gay people. The Fu Manchu is a great mustache; Joe Nammath used to don the Fu Manchu.
II. The Three Greatest Mustachioed Celebrities of All Time
3. Tom Selleck – Tom Selleck is best none for his role on Magnum, PI. He played Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV and he had quite the classic American mustache. On a die note, I wonder if his character was named Tom because he had a hard time responding to any other name (as this is the case with Tony Danza, who can only act the role of someone named Tony). Tom’s mustache was great on the show and he kept it as his trademark for several years after they became socially unfashionable.
2. Paul Teutul, Sr. – Paul Teutul, Sr. is the patriarch of the American Chopper series on the Discovery Channel. American Chopper is a show where the Teutel family makes crazy, custom motorcycles; more importantly though, Paul Teutul, Sr. has an incredible fu manchu mustache. The Fu Manchu is a great fit for the beefy Teutul. He likes to wear muscle shirts and has a constant unnatural tan; must-haves for owners of fu manchu mustaches. Paul Teutul has single-handedly brought the Fu Manchu back into fashion among unfashionable, working class grease monkeys.
1. Rollie Fingers – Okay, as Don Mattingly’s Mustache, I am admittedly partial to this choice. Rollie is the Hall of Fame ace relief pitcher who played with the Oakland Athletics, San Diego Padres and Milwaukee Brewers. He also had a great handle bar mustache. He wore the Handle Bar with the kind of panache that is meant to be worn with (that is to say that he curled the ends to perfection). He notched 341 career saves and he won both the American League MVP and Cy Young Award with the Brewers in 1981. He did more for mustache culture then, perhaps, anyone else in the history of mustaches.
III. Tips for Summer Mustache Care
-Keep It Well Groomed
There’s nothing worse than a summer, sweaty mustache; neglected by its owner and left to roam the face like a wild boar. Keep your summer mustache trim and tidy; don’t let it get out of control. It’s rude to go to a summer party with a wild mustache and you’ll feel better about yourself if you keep it up.
-Try a New Style
If you are a Fu Manchu man and you feel that the cumbersome fur is getting in the way; try a Dali. If that goatee is getting itchy in the summer months, cut it down to a Toothbrush. Here’s the bottom line; don’t be afraid to go somewhere you haven’t been in the mustache frontier. The mustache world needs mustache pioneers.
-Dye it a Fun Summer Color
Dying mustaches is not just for punk rockers and skanky wannabes; you can do it too. First of all, find the color that is right for you. Try and match your new mustache color with your eyes. If you have hazel eyes, a light pink mustache would like great on your face (preferably in the Dali style for thinner men). If you have dark features, you might want to think about dying that mustache yellow or fuchsia or green (something summery).
IV. Final Thoughts on Mustache Culture
Mustaches have been understood since the days of Adolph Hitler. But as a people, the mustachioed can not (and will not) let the work of a hate mongering dictator be the end all be all of our distinguished history. We have to unite. We have to fight back.
If you are a mustachioed leader in the community, you can do your part to help progress the mustache education among the lay people. Start mustache groups (similar to bible groups, but about mustaches) at your local police station. Let the community know that mustache people are people too.
Much has been done throughout the history of the world to keep mustache culture down; it is our turn now to bring it back up. Thank you.