The People You Meet at Work Are Never Normal

On your first day at a new job, it’s normal to be nervous. You scope out where the breakrooms, bathrooms, office, and potential hiding places might be. After you’ve done this, you move on to the people you’ll be spending the majority of your days with. You’ve got the supervisor, the lead persons, and then the regular grunts. But is it ever that simple? Heck no! You’ve got the crybaby, the old guy, the funniest person you’ve ever met until you switch jobs, the control freak, and of course there’s always the guy who thinks he runs the place and has no idea how to do his own job.

We might as well start at the top. Your supervisor is never who you think he or she is…ever. While you may see a purpose driven idiot, you should know that that person has some skeletons locked deeply away. God forbid you should ever find those things out. I once had a supervisor that, I can’t for the life of me figure out why, told some folks about one of his sexual preferences. He liked the occasional finger in the terdhole…or two…or three. I’ve been less uncomfortable watching a circumcision. Ever found out something about someone and you could never look them in the eye again?

Next is the crybaby. The crybaby is the guy who can’t stand anything about his job and is not the least bit shy about letting every single person he works with know it. He’s perpetually ticked off about something, and always asks the kind of questions usually reserved for a four year old. He uses the same tone of voice as a four year old, too. “Why do I have to do this? Why are we here so long? Why does he get to do that? Why do I have to come in on Saturday?” The list goes on and on. The crybaby I used to work with was a donut shy of 400 pounds, had a ponytail and couldn’t spell ebay. I’m not kidding, he asked me one day how to spell ebay. Yeah, he was classic. He fits into so many different types, I almost hesitate to limit him to just the crybaby. But that’s for another time, and maybe a thousand page book.

The old guy is, of course, the oldest guy where you work. He talks incessantly about the “good old days” and how things have changed so much for the worse now. The bad thing is, he never shuts up. He obviously has only you to talk to and will do so by any means necessary, even if you get so far behind you have to stay extra just to get caught up. He always brings his lunch, and it’s always the same thing. If the company buys lunch for you, he complains because something isn’t right. He complains about a lot of things, as a matter of fact. Actually, he’s quickly turning into an old woman. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Then there’s the guy that makes you laugh out loud every time you see him. He’s always got something funny to say, even when he’s ticked off. This is one of the few people who make coming to work almost enjoyable. Unfortunately, he’s usually not there, because he’s been sent off to do something for someone. He gets screwed regularly, and you assume it’s because the company management doesn’t want anyone to have a good time.

The control freak is the guy who has to have everything perfectly his way, every time. He also likes to complain, because the least little thing is out of place, and that if he’d done it, it’d be right. This is the person who is probably stepped on by everyone when he gets home, so he takes it out on you. You learn to avoid him at all costs because he’s going to ask you to do something, and you’ll never get it right. You find that the best solution for handling him is to let him do everything on his own, because when he messes up, he can only blame himself. You then find out that you’re wrong. You still get blamed for it.

The next guy is the one I personally detest the most. This guy will tell you that he can run the department standing on his head. Actually, he spends most of his time with his foot in his mouth. He says he can do everything, and when you ask him to do it, watch out. If he doesn’t find a creatively moronic way to get out of it, he succeeds in doing it so poorly that someone’s gonna get chewed when the supervisor finds out. Guess who that someone is? Good, I see you’ve been following along. He only has one job. He should have that one taken away as well. You honestly get to where you’re amazed he ties his shoes and finds his car in the morning. And yet, he’s better than you. Just ask him.

So, what have we learned. It takes all kinds, and none of them are normal. Everyone you meet has their quirks, which of course makes them freaks. Just remember that you’re probably the biggest freak of them all.

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