The Winter is My Discontent

I never seem to be warm in the winter. Shivering is a staple of the season. The problem is, I pick up a chill and can’t seem to shake it. The house always seems cold with what feels to be a breeze running through it. I keep the thermostat at a constant 80 degrees and still get a chill up my back.

I’ve tried wearing layers of clothes. But, in order to stay somewhat warm, I had to wear a snowsuit with heavy mittens. This made going to the bathroom or eating an exercise in futility. Plus the fact that my friends were starting to think I had some kind of a psychosis.

Taking a shower, in the morning, would warm me up temporarily. But by the time I was done, I was cold again. I decided to put a space heater in the bathroom turned up to the highest setting. It was fairly warm when I would get out of the shower, but the toilet paper kept catching on fire. After the third time the fire department was here, they took the heater with them.

Perhaps the solution wasn’t more heat. Maybe I had to keep the cold out. I had a work crew out to install more insulation. They tore all the inside walls out and put in ten inches of this new insulated material. It had an R factor that was in the three digits. Sure, it cut my room sizes down, but it did seem to help some. However, I still felt a breeze.

I theorized that the cool breeze was giving me the chills. Lighting a cigarette, I went around the windows and doors to see how the smoke was blowing. After putting out the fire to the curtains, I found that the smoke, around the windows and doors, was blowing horizontally.

I went through several attempts of installing double and triple pane thermal windows but they didn’t work too well. Finally I tried these windows that are made for bathyspheres. When installed, they seal them around the edge with a rubber seal and a special resin. I’m told it’s good to ten atmospheres. They are totally airtight. Although my neighbors aren’t too pleased with the round windows, they cut the breeziness down considerably.

The doors were another problem. Once again, I went through several configurations of doors. They were all guaranteed to insulate the cold, but there still was a breeze around them. In the end I had some airlocks installed. I could preheat the space between the doors, open the inner door and retrieve my mail quite comfortably. Aside from the mailman not being too happy with me, it did cut the chill factor down. Although I’m still working on how to handle packages.

I was just starting to think I had solved the problem, when I felt there still was a breeze in the house. Going around with a cigarette again, I found that there was air blowing in from the base boards. I spent two days removing the molding and putting foam insulation in to seal them. I checked them after I was done and there was no breeze. But I did detect some when I got close to the electrical outlets. I ended up putting foam in them too. This solved that problem.

I double checked the entire house and found that the breeze was still seeping through the floors. I had a team come out to resurface them. They used this new self-leveling polymer. This stopped the breeze and they look great. The only problem is it’s like walking on a sheet of ice. They may look good but they are slipperier than hell. I’ve fallen innumerable times and I have several former friends who are suing me. I’m hoping that the diminishing of the breeze will offset my medical bills and I think I’ve found a new insurance company.

I was just starting to feel comfortable, when the CO2 detector went off. I called someone to come and look at the furnace but he told me that it was fine. He said that the house was so airtight that there was no fresh air coming in. I was exhaling CO2 and it was building up.

This problem had only one solution. I had an oxygen tank put in the back yard that feeds fresh air into the house. I had to have this preheated since it was creating a cool breeze of it’s own. Although I can smoke a cigarette in one puff and it doesn’t burn it kind of flames. I’m starting to feel warmer now. But, maybe I should put a regulator on that tank.

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