Top Ten Lists for All Church Events

Every sermon/announcement in church could use a little humor. The following are top ten lists for most every church occasion.

Top Ten Christian Halloween Costumes

10. Wear a giant fish costume, and carry a loaf of bread and a calculator. Go as the multiplying loaves and fishes.

9. Go as the back end of Balaam’s donkey

8. Dress up as a pair of gnashing teeth, and play a continuous tape of nails scratching on a chalkboard. Call it “Hell.”

7. Wear a wedding dress and zombie make-up. When they open the door say, “Church, it’s not just for weddings and funerals anymore.”

6. Ring the doorbell and run leaving a pair of sneakers and a treat bag with the sign “sorry got raptured.”

5. Go as a python with a squashed head.

4. Go as the front end of Balaam’s donkey

3. Dress as a yellow and black striped leaf. Ask people if they Beeleaf in Jesus.

2. Hide in a big basket with a miners light on your head. When they open the door be the light that will not be hid under the bushel.

1. Wear a name-tag with the name “Walter” and tie a wok to your head as a hat. “If you keep your eyes on Jesus you can Wok on Walter.”

Top Ten Lines Christians Use to Dump Their Dates

10. I’m sorry but I just took a Nazaritic vow and have to wash my hair every night for the rest of my life.

9. I’m sorry but we differ too much over the charisma issue…you don’t have any

8. I’m sorry, but the Lord is leading me into the mission field as of today

7. I’m sorry, but you’re pre-trib and I’m post-trib and I’m not waiting a millennium for anyone

6. I’m sorry, but the temptation would be too great

5. Call me after the tribulation

4. God’s word says we’re supposed to mate with our own “kind”

3. When the moon turns to blood give me a call

2. I’m sorry, but in the potluck of love, you are the tuna casserole

1. The Lord just gave me the gift of celibacy…

Top Ten Pick-Up Lines Used by Adam

10. You know you’re the only one for me!

9: Do you come here often?

8: Trust me, this was meant to be

7. Look around baby; all the other guys here our animals

6. I already feel like you’re a part of me

5. Honey, you were made for me

4. Why don’t you come over to my place and we can name some animals?

3. You’re the girl of my dreams (Gen. 2:21)

2. I like a girl who doesn’t mind being ribbed

1. You are the apple of my eye.

Top Ten Worst Evangelism Ideas

10. Christian bumper stickers in rush hour traffic

9. “Abductions for Jesus”-sometimes it’s best not to commit crimes

8. That free car wash where we mixed up the paint thinner and the car wax cans

7. Good idea-handing out Bibles in a mall parking lot. Bad idea-dropping them from a helicopter.

6. “Tupperware for Christ”-somehow the idea never seemed fresh enough

5. Free donuts and coffee. A parking lot full of cop cars sends the wrong message

4. Bungee jumping from the church steeple

3. Free pork roast in a Jewish neighborhood

2. T-Shirts with Christian messages on people with scowling faces

1. Relying on your minister to save the lost God puts in your path

Top Ten Reasons for Sitting up Front at Church

10. You overslept and missed out on your favorite seat

9. The padding on the front row chairs still feels like new

8. You only have to comb the back of your hair, or iron the back of your shirt

7. You can see if anything is caught between the pastor’s teeth

6. It’s easier to trip the usher

5. No one can hear your stomach make “alien noises”

4. You want to keep your eye on the collection plate

3. When you think everyone’s looking at you, you don’t want to just be paranoid

2. You’re mad at everyone in the church and you want to sit alone

1. You love God and it’s your way of showing it

Top Ten Reasons to Join the Choir

10. Your favorite movie is Sister Act.

9. You’ve just been selected for jury duty and you want to get used to sitting with a group of people

8. Your church is so full you want to make sure you always have a seat

7. The collection plate is never passed to the choir

6. The clock is in the back of the sanctuary and you want to be the first to know when it’s time to go.

5. You want to be close to the preacher if he says something heretical

4. For years you wanted to know who sits in the back pews but were always afraid to turn around.

3. You don’t want the preacher to catch you when you nod off during the service

2. The chairs in the choir are more comfortable than in the sanctuary

1. You’re running out of clean clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.

Top ten things you don’t want to hear when your minister visits you in the hospital.

10. Out Legion!

9. Am I too late?

8. Honestly, you make that oxygen mask look great!

7. I’d stay longer, but I have a funeral sermon to write.

6. So, do you think you can learn to play the piano with your feet by Sunday?

5. The board was praying for you last night. They voted 5 to 3 for your recovery.

4. Sorry about that whole stepping on your air hose thing.

3. Let’s look at those burns as an evangelistic tool. Who won’t want to avoid Hell after they see you?

2. Good news! The board just decided to rename the library in your name!

1. Rats. Why does everyone get to see Jesus before me?

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