When an editor friend sent me an inquiry recently about doing an article on, of all things, weight loss, my first reaction was: “WHAT??? Is she trying to tell me something??” Thankfully, my second reaction was more realistic: “BREATHE DUSTY…this editor is an email buddy…she’s never even SEEN you in person so it certainly wasn’t personal!!” After all, it’s not HER fault that I’ve spent most of my life on the defensive!
Then again…maybe my “over-weight’ personna comes through in my online personality? Could it be possible to “write” fat? Hmmmm….
To be honest, the idea intrigued me. I do admit to, among other things, carrying around significantly more baggage than My creator ever intended my 5’3″ frame to tote, despite my repeated attempts to lessen the load over the years! Now, mind you….by ‘repeated attempts’ I do not mean failure. I have NOT failed….I have simply found approximately 10,000 ways that do not work. The weight-loss investigation is ongoing!
Let’s start off by listing the different methods, which, according to my research, did NOT prove effective:
#1 The Water Diet. I peed almostly constantly, gurgled when I talked and finally quit when my ears started to look suspiciously like “gills!”
#2 The Celery Diet. I quickly discovered that I was not genetically predisposed to look, sound, feel or feed like a rabbit….
#3 The “Buy Our Meals” Diet. Food itself was very tasty. Good thing, too, because the cost of the program pretty much ensures that, unless you’re independently wealthy to begin with, you’ll be heating up all that tasty food with a butane lighter prior to dining on a park bench somewhere, because the cost of participating will blow the bottom out of most standard budgets. So in essence, you’ll be skinny, homeless, and indigent all at the same time.
#4 The “No Food After Noon” Diet. This one works wonderfully as long as the you are willing to don PJs and say “nighty-night” at 1:30 in the afternoon. You’ll soon be svelte as a gazelle but no one will see you because your routine only has two segments….Stuffing and snoring…
#5 The NO CARB Diet. Despite claims by the saintly Dr. Atkins and the praises of my daughter, 3 weeks on this diet only managed to convince me of one thing which I quickly summed up in an 8-line verse:
The book says pounds will melt away
If I just limit carbohydrates…
My pounds never, EVER melt…
What they do is relocate!
From my waist and belly
The inches quickly disappear
Only to surface within the hour
As extra padding on my rear! (sigh…nuff said!)
#6 The Wonder Pill Diet. No brand names required here, I’m sure we’ve seen them all and some of us have tried most. Cortisol-reducers, carb blockers, appetite-suppressants, fat eliminators…PLEASE! Most of these products have 3 things in common:
a) they all have price tags guaranteed to make any self-respecting credit card melt in terror
b) they all have nasty side-effects, warnings and health-risks like accelerated heart rates and blood pressure levels, danger of stroke, etc. and
c) they seldom work
Last but not least, while we’re categorizing weight-loss methods, let’s not forget the expensive, never-ending list of machines!! From the cross- crunch, abrings and pedal bikes to the rowing apparatus, belly belt and the ever-popular sauna suit, they all claim to be able to carve off inches, whittle away fat and turn any keg-size midsection into 6-pack abs virtually over-night. And best of all, most are available for 3 low montly payments of HOLY COW!!! So by all means, if you’re that gullible, take out a second mortgage on the house, order the contraption, wait for delivery, find a place to install / set-up / assemble the device, use it once or maybe twice and then join the rest of us in the search for a more affordable, more effective means of sensible weight-loss!
Doubtless, by my readers are convinced that the author is hopelessly cynical about the entire weight loss issue. Not so! Cynical about the health, fitness, weightloss concept…NO; the industry….YES! Let’s face it, as long as consumers (read ‘women’) continue to search for effective weight loss methods that do NOT involve any form of self-denial, sacrifice, self-depravation or result in exertion, pain, fatigue or perspiration of any sort and DO offer instant, no-effort, magical results there will always be entrepreneurs more than willing to crank out the next “big thing” guaranteed to reduce OUR “big things”!
Real, genuine, slow-but-sure, long-term weight loss can be achieved by most women. Once they admit and adhere to a few simple concepts. Here are some things you DON’T need: expensive diet plans, dangerous pills, fancy equipment, name-brand clothing, the latest book about the latest fad, costly health club memberships and complicated fitness routines.
Here’s what you WILL need: a good pair of walking/running shoes, last years sweat pants, one of hubby’s old button down shirts (baggy hides a multitude of sins!) a small strap-on pedometer and a walkman equipped with your fave high-energy music. Add a water bottle and the motivation to get your butt out the door EVERY day for a brisk 30-minute walk, mix well and PRESTO!! for less than $20 you’ve purchased everything you need to see a major reduction in pounds and inches in less than 8 weeks.
And what regimen is complete without a list of DONT’S….
a) don’t touch soft drinks of any kind (even diet) most contain sacharrine or similar sugar substitutes which only servies to stimulate the hormone that makes your body “hang on” to the fat you already have!
b) Patronize fast-food restaurants (of any kind, anywhere!) even the salads are treated with chemicals that freeze our bodies ability to burn fat!! Buy the fixins, drive home, rinse well and mix your OWN salad!
c) Never, never, never eat within 4 hours of bedtime!! No matter what the food group it will not be used….. it will be stored and we all know what THAT means! You wouldn’t be reading this article if your “storage facility” weren’t too big already!
d) Don’t use regular-size plates or bowls….instead use saucers and small bowls. Optical illusion…sure, but even if you FILL the smaller container to the rim you’ll be cutting your portions in half!
e) Never eat a meal without consuming at least 20 oz of water FIRST about 10 minutes prior to the initial bit. You’ll feel “full” much sooner and will eat less as a result!
Good luck and remember… More important than the will to win……Is simply the courage to begin!!!