Being Single is Not a Death Sentence

I want be the first African American Bachlorette and not for reasons you may think. There seems to be a bit of concern amongst family, friends and total strangers about my marital status. No one is totally out done with me being 40 and single, but there are two little girls (my nieces) who want lots of little cousin. Like the 372 they already have isn’t enough?

Anyway, I know I would make a great contestant for this show. Ratings would go through the roof!! Not just because I will be the first of my kind. But, as the men go through my personal testing phase the show will be as hilarious and drawn out as most of my dates have been. Heck, it’s kept me single this long so it has to be extensive and pretty intense.

Its funny how getting married and having a mate is far more important to relatives than it is to most single woman I know. For the most part, we’re happy. I honestly believe that is the problem most married woman have with us. We are genuinely happy. It isn’t until we get around married people that we are convinced something has to be wrong with us.

Yes, I would love to have a . . . true love to roll over and be able to reach out and touch – – often. But, with that comes the other drama I consistently see played out in the homes of my married friends, sisters, brothers and parents. The constant bickering over television remotes, toilet seats and farting. I know people who have been married for 40 years and are still arguing about dish detergent.

I don’t think it has anything to do with material things. I think most married people just want EVERYONE on the planet to know their pain and to be more sympathetic. I’m just not signing up for that.

Although, I would sign up for the Bachelorette. Why? It would take the guessing out of the date. I won’t have to do my own screening. They have better resources and can get more in-depth financial and personal information. Plus, I think they can legally do a blood test.

Actually, I’m inclined to believe if I don’t get the hook up through a television show, I may never date again. The sad part is, I’m not that picky so it shouldn’t be that hard.

Yes, I have guidelines. No, I do not require the blood test and financial statement on the first date. BUT, I really need the correct answer to specific, seemingly easy questions. Such as, “Are you married?”
I’m baffled by how stunned men are when asked that question. Heck, if anyone knows, the people who attended the ceremony should. “Are you married?” I have had more men go brain dead on that one question. At this age it is a very valid question.

A couple of months ago I was in Los Angeles and a friend set me up on a date with her friend’s friend. He seemed very nice and for the most part, we had a great time. But, there was something about him that gave me pause.

As we left the restaurant my friend told me she thought he (the friend’s friend) and I had a great connection. She thought this guy was really into me. I said, “I don’t know. I think he’s married.”

I had no idea she would react the way she did, but as if it had happened to her, she turned on a dime and was in his face. “Are you married?!” she yelled.

“No, I’ve been divorced” he replied.

Well, I’ve been tricked before so added a follow-up question – “When was your divorce final?”

You would have sworn he had just gotten the million dollar question on Jeopardy.

“Uhhhh . . . well . . . you see . . . We ummm” was his response.

Turns out Mr. Man was IN THE PROCESS of a divorce. No papers had been filed. His wife probably didn’t even know about the pending disillusionment. What is so hard to understand? IN THE PROCESS does not equal COMPLETION. Luckily, as time goes on, my instinct for these things gets better.

I think dating is turning into a farce anyway; on-line, television, radio hook-ups. I’ve attempted them all. Yes, I’ve even read some of the books and tested some of those theories. Here’s what I discovered:

If you meet a man in Barnes and Noble it is meaningless. It means he read or had someone read him the same book you read. There are books that state meeting a man in a book store is a good idea.

I met a man in a bookstore. He seemed normal in the beginning. Then, when asked basic questions, “Where are you from”, “Have you been married”, “Any kids”, sent him through the roof. He had the personality of a piece of lint.

Some of the same books promote meeting a man in a grocery. This means he has an appetite. And more than likely a wife and three kids.

The guy I met in the grocery store invited me back to his place for a midnight Bar-B-Que. He had an entire cow in his cart and no vegetables. I figured he would be dead from clogged arteries within the year and passed on his invitation.

Meeting a man through your friends will make you re-evaluate all of your friendships.

A “so-called” friend hooked me up with her man’s friend. She and I no longer talk. Nuff said.

Yea, us single folks are all right. Most of us have our own homes, a dog, some plants and lots of liquor. AND, it’s not just women. Men are loving the single life too. They are also dealing with the same craziness as the women. We all just need to come to a happy medium on what level of insanity we are willing to give into.

I have a list of what I’m looking for specifically:

1. GOT HIS LIFE RIGHT SPIRITUALLY – – Meaning: He knows HE (himself) did not create the universe and is not walking around trying to be the All Mighty. Know something about the bible other than “Jesus wept”. Actually read it, find a biblical scholar to interpret and stop just looking at the pictures.

I was not put on this earth to cater to anyone. Neither were you. It has to be a joint effort. It floors me that half the earth’s population has saturated themselves in knowing every aspect of sports, but cannot work on a team level with their mate.

3. KNOWS HE’S NOT GOD’S GIFT TO WOMEN – – Unless he looks like Tyson Beckford the size of MY ass should not scare him because I’m sure he has a gut/receeding hairline/slow libido at this age.

4. BRINGS MORE TO THE TABLE THAN AN APPETITE – – I have a house, car (it’s paid for) and food in the frige. I’m not raising or supporting someone’s grown ass child who is too lazy to get their own. Hell, I could get a brotha from under the bridge and clean him up and call him mine if it was that serious!

5. MUST UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF AND PRACTICE GOOD HYGIENE – – Wash ya ass!!! I love a clean shaven man (as Olive Oly use to say.) You don’t have to be a Metrosexual. But, soap and lotion is essential.

6. NO ISSUES – – Okay, at this age, you will have a few. But, make them minimal. I’m no longer nuts and am not willing to go there with anyone. I did not get pregnant, have your baby and then forbid you to see the child. I don’t want anyone’s trauma or drama in my home. Work that mess out before you even get to hello!

7. UNDERSTAND WHERE YOUR PEOPLE NEED TO BE – – It takes a tribe to raise a child, but we all don’t need to be under the same roof. Make sure your mama, sisters, friend, cousins, dawgs and everyone else has their own home. I’m willing to help folks, but if folks try to take over my domain I will burn it down around them just to save my sanity.

8. GET RID OF YOUR DAWGS. – – Any man who is not willing to defend me against his friends is a punk and is playing. I am not a product of Mattel. I want a MAN not a pansy. AND, stop calling each other dawgs/dogs because too many are really adopting that mine set (see #6)

So, with that said, let’s all come to a happy medium with this dating thing. And, call the producers of the Bachelorette and ask them if they really want a ratings extravaganza. I got something for them!

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