WASHINGTON, D.C.- At a symbolic event yesterday at the Tomb of the Unknown Housekeeper, President Bush announced a dramatic new plan for reforming United States immigration policy for “our convenience and the convenience of future generations of Americans.”
Admitting his most recent initiative calling for the construction of a high-voltage electric fence between the US-Mexican border and distribution of Get-Out-Of-Mexico Free/Debit Cards to illegal and illegal-wannabes, would not solve the growing problem of his low poll numbers, the President instead proposed abandoning the Emancipation Proclamation of 1862, the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution and reestablishing the “peculiar institution” of slavery in the United States of America.
In a bold attempt to recapture the support of his ultraconservative, white-collared and/or red-necked base, President Bush declared, “It was a simple decision. See, Americans won’t do a lot of the tough, dirty jobs this country has to offer for low wages and no benefits, and millions of folks south of the border will. In the end, our country pays a high price in lost tax revenue and unpaid government services, not to mention billions of dollars sent back to Mexico and other poor countries, which just encourages more people to illegally clean our toilets and pick our artichokes.”
In a remarkably honest statement, the President noted, “Whole generations are being raised and exploited within the shadows in this country, and your government and your tax dollars are paying for it. It is time for these despicable un-American practices to come to an end. It is time for the exploiters to pay their fair share, and for the exploited to come out into the light once and for all.” Mr. Bush added, “Look, you and I both know we can’t just deport the millions of people in our country illegally. It would cost more than regime change in Iraq, I mean, the war on terror, and besides, they’d only come right back again, just like they do now. My plan is a no-brainer.”
President Bush indicated his executive order, which has already been pre-approved by a majority of Supreme Court Justices, will not take effect until January 1, 2007, and calls for every person found to be illegally present within the US borders at that time and thereafter to de deemed “property of the Untied States.”
A high-ranking White House official (whose identity as Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove could not be confirmed by someone who may or may not have been Vice President Dick Cheney) said, “This should give anyone, including potential terrorists, enough time to get back to wherever the hell it is they came from before becoming official US slaves.”
In an apparent attempt to forestall potential opposition from those he referred to as “Liberals,” the President was quick to add that “new slavery” in the Untied States would be well-regulated, bipartisan, and carried out on a strictly “need-to-own” basis.
According to the President’s plan, slave-master applicants will be required to provide “complete job profiles (hours limited from dawn to dusk, 365 days annually, except for ‘domestics’),” and for each servant, “minimum basic housing, food and water; English-as-a-second-language training, and cable television.”
“Servant Trade Boards” would be established in every state to regulate the sale, transfer and trading of slaves nationally, and owners would receive prorated tax deductions to help offset the cost of procuring and maintaining their “stable of workers,” as well as the installation of “invisible fencing, and electronic implanting” which shall be the proscribed method of “behavior modification and control.”
At first outraged, labor union leaders expressed tentative support for the President’s initiative, which called for the “creation of one new union job for every ten officially recognized new slaves.” Conservative estimates show a near doubling of union membership could result by the year 2008. AFL-CIO President John Sweeney called the plan, “The most significant advance for the union movement in America in nearly forty years. I never thought I’d say it, but this President is finally on the right track.”
Upon learning of his dramatic announcement and the upcoming changes in US policy, a growing number of massive “immigrant rallies” are being abruptly planned for cities across the country, sponsored largely by a wide variety of US business owners and their shareholders. “Three hots and a cot,” and “Better a slave in the US than free in Mexico,” banners have been sprouting up along the border.
Mexican President, Vincente Fox, speaking out against the US President’s plan, indicated he will soon be meeting with leaders from throughout Central and South America to figure out what to do with the destitute millions in their countries who will choose not to become US slaves, and how to make up for the tens of billions of dollars which will no longer be sent back to their nations from “courageous expatriates.”
Meanwhile, President and Mrs. Bush left the Capitol to begin a six week “working vacation” at their Crawford, Texas ranch. Among other things, the first couple will be overseeing the installation of several hundred miles of invisible fencing, and the construction of new “servants quarters.”
Overnight polling indicated the President’s approval ratings have soared into the low sixties on the heels of this latest announcement.
Ã?Â© 2006 TS Tyler All Rights Reserved