Call to Action: A Ban on Bathroom Attendants

I have been going to the bathroom by myself for approximately thirty years. I don’t need any help. I can manage it on my own. I can wash my own hands when I finish doing my business. I can dispense my own soap. I can even dry my own hands, too. I don’t mind using the hand blower, or even grabbing a paper towel myself. I don’t need someone to hand one to me. This is a call to action. I want a ban on bathroom attendants.

Drinks are expensive enough these days, aren’t they? Ten bucks for a Manhattan straight up in Manhattan. Eight bucks for a Long Island Iced Tea in Long Island. I don’t want to have to pay an extra buck each and every time I have to piss one of these high-priced drinks out. I want a ban on bathroom attendants.

Believe it or not, I don’t need any gum when I go to the bathroom to take a piss. I certainly don’t need a fucking lollipop. I don’t wear cologne and I don’t smoke cigarettes, thank you very much. So, why are you standing there watching me as I wash my hands and check my hair in the mirror? I want a ban on bathroom attendants.

And let me ask you this: why the hell are you dressed in a tuxedo? You are six to ten feet away from the nearest fat guy in the last stall who has been on the toilet these last forty minutes taking a dump. Don’t you feel just a tad overdressed? I mean, really what is that liquid on your shoes. Oh, yeah, wait, that’s urine. If you must guard the toilet, I think a tee and jeans would suffice. I want a ban on bathroom attendants.

The truth is these bathroom attendants make me feel uncomfortable. I try to avoid using the bathroom as much as possible. And that means holding it in. And that means dancing when I don’t want to dance. That’s the real reason for this call to action. That is why I want a ban on bathroom attendants.

The hell of it is many of these restaurants and bars that have bathroom attendants think they are classing up the joint by placing a man in a monkey suit in the can with a tray filled with mints. Let me be the first to inform you, that is not the case. If you need a guy with a bucket of lollipops to class up your establishment, you are probably already too late. Give it up. Join this call action. Let’s get that ban on bathroom attendants.

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