Congress Fails to Pass Apple Pie Amendment

Congress, in yet another bid to show how patriotic it is, introduced the “Apple Pie” Constitutional Amendment to a vote but was unable to raise the 3/4 majority needed to pass it. In fact, the approval fell short by one vote. The amendment declared apple pie the “national pie” by virtue of its “deliciousness” and would prohibit pie desecration. It would also rename “French Apple Pie” to “Freedom Apple Pie.”

Republicans pressed for the Apple Pie amendment as a way for Congress to demonstrate its respect for troops in lieu of giving them the equipment and supplies they need to properly fight the war. They also touted it as a way to restore what they see as the proper balance of power between the branches of government, since the Supreme Court stripped states and Congress of the power to outlaw pie desecration. “We want government off the backs of the people,” declared Senator Orrin Hatch, “but we don’t want them messing with apple pie either.”

Critics charged that Republican leaders were seeking to rile up their base with a solution to a problem that barely exists. “Ever since those ‘American Pie’ movies, the Republicans have really had this pie bug up their butts,” said Senator Russell Feingold. “However, the fact that they got it this far is pretty telling.”

But Senator Hatch, the measure’s chief sponsor, said those who voted against the amendment could be punished at the polls. “Nobody loses a thing by voting for this, and we gain a great deal by supporting our troops, our veterans for minimal cost,” said Hatch, a Utah Republican. “Of course, the fact that we have failed once again to pass any of the legislation we vowed to pass as a sop to our conservative base shouldn’t be pointed out to voters,” he added. “I mean, seriously, we haven’t pulled off one thing the conservatives asked of us. If they start to realize that, things could get dicey. Pandering can only get you so far.”

Senator Jim Bunning, a Kentucky Republican, said senators must put the issue before the people by giving state legislatures the opportunity to vote on the amendment. “With the war on terrorism won, the budget balanced, our economy strong and our borders secure, what else could be possibly waste our time on? I’m on salary here, I get paid no matter what we come up with.”

The vote, 66-34, had fourteen Democrats voting with Republicans in favor of the pastry amendment, while three Republicans voted with Democrats against it. “Don’t think it wasn’t easy choreographing these numbers so that we could debate the topic, get everyone worked up about it, maybe sway some mid-term elections but ultimately ensure its failure,” said Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss. “Seriously, one vote. If we had had the slightest miscommunication, this thing could have actually passed and how would I explain that to the peach growers of my state?”

“All we can ask,” said Senator Lincoln Chafee, “is why do these senators who voted against the Apple Pie Amendment hate America? Except for the one guy who thought it was a math problem involving pi. We’ll let him slide.”

Ultimately, it proved impossible to secure a majority to pass the amendment. One aid noted, “We had the conservatives pushing their agenda, we were pressed hard by the blueberry and meringue lobbies and the custard cream people and the pumpkin association booked some amazing junkets. In the end no one knew who to pander to.”

Republican senators hope to have more success with the hotly debated “Mom” amendment coming to a vote next week.

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