Daredevil with Jennifer Garner

Wassup everyone. I was bored and playing around on my friend’s computer, and he had an advance copy of this flick. So, having a few hours to kill, I decided to watch.

I mean, I sat through Daredevil, which I’m convinced remains a great way to give yourself nausea, and Jennifer Garner’s cute, so why not. I give all films a chance, and I wasn’t expecting much.

Then I remembered Something Important.

Mr. Freeze, Robin, Lex Luthor, The Joker, Green Goblin, Dr. Octopus, The Kingpin, Psuedo-Dracula from Blade 3-none of these guys will ever be given their own movie. And with good reason. In their respective films, they got Owned Beyond Belief.

A few notable examples: Mr. Freeze got beat by George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell and Alicia Silverstone. Lex Luthor got repeatedly destroyed by Superman, who even sexed up his woman and laughed.

The Kingpin got beat by a blind lawyer. Green Goblin was accidentally defeated by a Spidey dodge. Once you get beat in this fashion, viewers lose faith in your ability to own. So, knowing all this�WTF does Elektra have her own movie?

A quick recap. After narrowly defeating the aforementioned Blind lawyer, Elektra finds out that she beat the wrong person. And master murderer Bullseye shows up to collect his bounty on her ass.
And, after catching the sai she threw and returning it through her hand, he proceeds to give her the beating of a lifetime. I mean, it was like watching a pillow fight a thermonuclear weapon.

There aren’t words to describe how hard she gets whipped by a laughing maniac who slices her throat with a playing card, and then takes her other sai and performs ‘street surgery’ on her chest. After that, he throws her back, laughs some more, and tosses a rose on her. After a hard 5 minutes of Ownage, Bullseye was reportedly seen in a bar shaking his head, saying “Thought she was tough”.

After watching that, could you go see a movie about her? Fox thinks so.

Here’s the primary reason why the film fails. Its’ not the way she gets brought back to life, nor the save the world plot that I’m sure you’ve seen before. And yes, Jennifer Garner looks smoking in skin-tight red, but apparently, she distracted the director too, because I couldn’t see what she was fighting.

Even the cool stuff you’ve seen in a trailer is lame. The guy that has a tiger bust of out chest? It gets distracted by a stick, then they go fight someone else.

The Lead Bad guy doesn’t even die last and you’re not sure if he was it. Nice comics stuff here, as the Hand (ninja cult) and Typhoid Mary from Daredevil make appearances, but it’s not enough.

Her soul-searching while transforming from murderer to good-killer pales in comparison to the Bride from Kill Bill. It’s just not very good. I’m not sure what happened here, or why this was made, because this is the 1st legitimately bad Marvel movie.

So, after wasting a few hours on this crap, I made sure my friend wasn’t looking, and downloaded a file that said “OMGWTFPWNED.killerÃ?­Ã?­_virus.exe” Not sure what it did, but I’m sure it helped his computer by removing Elektra.

Plot – 2.5/10
Mystical Ninja cult will take over the world unless revived chick in red leather can stop them.
Ridiculous, even for those of you who believe in all-powerful donuts.

Effects – 6/10
This is the only good part of the film. Cool effects with no reason, and people who have mystical powers doing mean things. You can just wait for an Internet music video of the effects. It beats the movie.

Music – 3/10
The Daredevil soundtrack launched the careers of several music bands and propelled them to multi-platinum albums.

This will not happen again. Matter of fact, I’ll bet this statement against a New Kids on the Block reunion.

Hollywood Logic – 9/10
Well, to believe in the heroine, you have to believe that couldn’t be defeated. Especially by a guy named Colin.

Failure. I won’t mention the mystical, new-age villains who just double as six fake X-men. In fact, the most useless superhero, like the guy who can only throw laser boogers on the 5th Sunday of a leap year would kick everyone ass, then have a beer with Bullseye. Hard Work.

Female Empowerment – -1/10
I understand the appeal of a female superhero, but this is second crap-fest I’ve seen in six months. I’m convinced that these films are just part of a plot to never make them again, because they can point and go “Well, that didn’t work. STFU.”

Actually, I think the last movie I saw with a legit female hero was Aliens in 1986. I was 6. 18 years later, we have Catwoman, Elektra, Lara Croft and Miss Congeniality 2. Progress is not being made. Kill Bill was damn good, but it’s life raft in an ocean of mediocrity is sinking fast.

So, should you see this? No. In fact, to simulate the experience, get a red towel, wet it, throw it in the dryer and play a Bernstein Bears game while watching it spin. My lawyer friend tried this and now works at Vons.

Perhaps you will have more luck.

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