Now, I’m not getting any kickbacks from this. My brother-in-law doesn’t work for Sprint or Verizon or any of them. And I’m definitely not a corporate hustler. My impetus is purely public service. I’d be pushing seat belts, three-way light bulbs and remote controls but the world has already discovered their wonders. Hence, that leaves me to pander headsets for mobile phones.
I recognize that some of you may think them frivolous plastic luxuries or first-world-I’m-way-too-busy-to-hold-my-phone-workaholic accessories but I’m here to tell you that headsets are as essential as an extra car key, a can of Glade bathroom spray and a library card. To that end, I devised a reader-friendly list to encourage you to commerce or, if you already own one, give you ideas on how to get the most out of a tool that has more uses than a Swiss Army knife. Here we go:
1. The Obvious One
I’m an ardent believer that if you are able to carry on a conversation with someone in the car with you while you drive safely then you are probably an excellent candidate for an interlocution with someone not in your car but in your coverage. A headset for cars should be as mandatory as condoms for sex. Use them because they’re inexpensive, everything is still the same and you won’t die.
2. The Good For Your Body One
This is my personal favorite. You know how you feel really good when you carve into your busy schedule some time to exercise? Yes, well, imagine that in that same time you could not only do one thing but two things? I know, it’s every American’s dream. What if I told you that it could possibly elevate your heart rate and strengthen your lungs, thereby making your exercise a better workout? Oh, heaven. Here’s what you do. Make a phone date with your sister, your boyfriend, your friend from college, whomever but just make sure it’s someone you like–or if not, it’s a good way to yell at the financial services people. You’ll be nice and heated by the time you get past the automated voice. So make a date for a walk-and-talk.
3. The Productive One
This one feels really good, too. We all have those really boring things we have to do like fold the loads of laundry we finally got around to doing. Now, if you’re like most people, you’ve tilted your head an unnatural 90 degrees so that you can squeeze that itty bitty mobile phone between your ear and your shoulder while you try to fold your queen-sized sheets. And you probably dropped the phone at least once and screamed, “Hold on! Hold on!” Captain Headset to the rescue. It’s amazing how much more enjoyable chores become with a headset. Put the phone in a petite purse or bag, sling it over your neck and shoulder, tuck in your earpiece or place the heaset on your noggin and you’re good to go. Pull weeds, do dishes, strip and remake beds, water plants, any ritualistic activity that requires two hands and sucks the hours out of your life. I have more than once said to my mother, “Wait, you can’t hang up yet. I still have two more pots to scrub.” And because she’s my mother and a good one at that, she always obliges until I’m toweling dry my hands.
4. The Actual One
It’s probably safe to imagine that this is one of the primary functions for this contraption. Operators have been using these for years. I know because I used to watch Disney Channel as a kid when they showed it for free to entice people to sign up for the station and the nice lady who was standing by just for my call always wore one. But turns out operators have been holding out on the general populations. Discover the fabulousness of a headset when you’re trying to do homework with a friend, when you’ve called the Help Line to fix your computer, or when your mom is giving you the recipe to the Sagadina Goulash that you’re preparing for your date in an hour. Oh yeah, you can use it for work too, I guess.
5. The Saving One
No, they don’t double as flotation devices. I’m thinking something shallower than that, something no one admits to but we all experience. You know, something like when your friend calls up and she’s complaining about her Neanderthal boyfriend–for hours–again. Now, I’m not talking about a scenario that requires your complete devotion, such as a friend calling you up crying because he’s discovered that his wife is a man. I’m talking about the times when you love your friend and you want to be there for her but really you’d feel a lot better about being a good friend if you could do something else at the same time, like give yourself a pedicure. Get out your oils and work on that painting that you’ve never finished. Build model airplanes. Crochet. Whatever. (Caution: You should probably choose silent activities unless your piano practice is a seranade to her sob story.)
Okay, so those are my Top 5. The ‘doubles as a hairband’ didn’t make the list, nor did the ‘scream at your husband to find out why he isn’t home while you hold a kid under each arm.’ Maybe you’ll find your own uses. Oh, you definitely will. And you’ll be deliriously happy. It’ll be the best purchase you’ve made since 800-count Egyptian cotton sheets.