Frivolous Lawsuits and the Loony Legal System

Welcome to the land of something for nothing. Which lawsuit suits you? You can sue MacDonalds because the Big Mac made you big, Mac. You can sue the tobacco companies for forcing you to buy cigarettes. Maybe you prefer the ever popular lawsuit against the place that made your coffee too hot. On what grounds? On coffee grounds, of course.

The tail is wagging the dog and the legal system has become some kind of loser’s lottery, where whining gets reworded and businesses spend less money on quality and efficiency and more money on protecting themselves from these loser leeches. It’s not even the leeches’ fault though, because they wouldn’t know a cow-pie from an Eskimo pie if it weren’t for the societal parasites that we call lawyers. Sounds marvelously like liars, as irony would have it. I know there are decent men and women who are in this profession, and that’s good, because we need them. Unfortunately, they will never be good enough at a job that is inherently based on the manipulation of, and sometimes convenient absence of Truth.

“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.” – Robert Frost

The ambulance chasers don’t have to chase ambulances anymore, because we’ve been trained to lick the salt from our wounds and then chase it with a chaser. We have people going around hoping to get hit by cars for the payoff. I have always sat around hoping that certain people would get hit by cars, but I never thought that I would be one of them. Even good people consider the judicial system somewhat of a golden goose. Fine, upstanding people like myself – shut up – have been eating M&M cookies, for instance, and noticing a lack of red M&M’s. Now, whether you like M&M’s music or not, you have to admit that he makes damn fine cookies. But red M&M’s make me happy dammit! I’m wondering if some attorney out there has noticed the blatant favoritism towards green and orange M&M’s in said cookies. I think I smell a lawsuit. Oh wait, it’s just my beagle, Cuca, launching an air biscuit.

Freedom of speech has been stretched and then contracted and made completely malleable to suit the law-suitor. Deformation of character is one that really makes me want to run up the Clocktower with a semiautomatic and do my part for population control. I mean, what ever happened to ‘sticks and stones…’? You shouldn’t be able to sue somebody because they hurt your feelings. Can I sue the sunset because it always makes me cry? Shut up. Sunsets make me cry because it was twilight time when I slaughtered my entire family for using my last name.

“Being politically correct means always having to say you’re sorry.”

Politically Correct is a euphemism for bullshit. Pretty lies with dollar signs in their eyes. If you are offended by anything somebody says, I say you’re a weak person and you bring nothing to the table. It’s not really your fault, because once somebody lied to you and told you that life is fair. But then, nothing is your fault since you can always find a lawyer to assign blame and find out who and what is lie-able. We spent hundreds of years fighting for freedom of speech in this country and now it looks like more people are fighting for the suppression of it. The inmates are running the asylum and we’re having Jell-O for dinner tonight.

I know that this is the best legal system in the world, but that’s like being the prettiest transvestite. The same legal minds that make dirty paper by suing the tobacco companies are now turning their attention to fast food franchises and saying that they are to blame for the disease of obesity. For one thing, if I’m dying from cancer I don’t want to hear you talk about the DISEASE of obesity – I support your right to say it, but your credibility comes into question. Besides, what are they going to do with the money they make from the lawsuit? They’re going to take that money and get fatter. Then they can sue the treasury department for printing the money that bought the food, which came from the money that bought the food that made them obese. You follow?

“Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.” -Fletcher Knebel

The same is true for suing the tobacco companies. Even smokers would agree with this, but they would have to be stupid to turn down the free money. Despite the fact that tobacco companies make so much money that any lawsuit against them is equivalent to a mosquito bite on the behind, it’s still a glaring contradiction to say that the product is legal but the users of the product are not responsible for the harm that they knowingly inflict on themselves. It’s kind of like saying that drinking and driving is against the law, yet all bars have parking lots! Entrapment! Elementary, Watson.

I’m of the unpopular opinion that justice just is. However, “Laws that do not embody public opinion can never be enforced.”- Elbert Hubbard. I’m not saying that I give up on people’s ability to judge what is fair and just in order that we may live in an orderly society, but I do believe that our system is extremely flawed and caught up in the jetstream or current of the currency. Water takes the path of least resistance and resistance isn’t our strong suit as of late. Ask the illegal alien sitting next to you. No, not that one; he has a bomb.

We have to start to build up the idea of Honor again. We can’t pass laws, which essentially say: “You have to be good.” We know we’re supposed to be good. It’s in our own best interest to be good, whether we know it or not. All these frivolous lawsuits aren’t good, because everybody else is paying for whatever these parasites feel they are entitled to.

“It is the spirit and not the form of law that keeps justice alive.”
-Earl Warren

Ask not what your country can do for you – that’s what lawyers are for. That has become our mantra, pretty much. As childish as this may sound, the honor system is the only system of law that is ever really in affect. Everybody has their own truth until they know what ultimate truth really is. That’s all we have to work with. “The truth shall set you free,” not some glorified old man in black pajamas and a powdered wig.

“If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.” – Albert Einstein

Ultimately, justice just is. You can call it karma or whatever you like, but what goes around comes around and I can’t help but think that all of this frivolous feeding that takes place in the courtrooms will eventually come back to bite us in the butt. It’s already eating away at our wallets. When you look out for number one, you inevitably step in number two.

“…in life there is an immanent justice that fulfills itself slowly but without fail.” – Maria Rilke

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