Guess What…I Quit!

Do you ever day dream about events to come? Maybe planning that dream wedding or going over home renovations for when you strike it big. I do, but my day dreams are a bit more spirited. I find myself completely consumed with making my escape plans. Some days at work it seems more tempting to shimmy down the gutter drain pipe than have to muster the strength to push through the entire day. So in the times when I need the extra inspiration to make it by, I have come up with my plan for an epic exit.

1. Change all passwords. I happen to be the only person with the passwords to many fundamental accounts for our company. This means our email, facebook, computer screen locks, etc. all start and end with me. Let’s have a little fun and see how many people it takes to figure out the code!

2. That fancy LED sign out front gets an update. I’m thinking “sayonara, toodle-oo, later gator, I’m out!” in alternating sequence. Since the password on the computer will be impenetrable (however briefly), I expect a fair amount of time before they figure out how to change it.

3. Those aforementioned business accounts I’m thinking will need some automatic extended absence responses. Something like, “Sorry I can’t tend to your needs, we’ve lost one of our most undervalued employees and now we have to figure out how to do things all by ourselves for the first time in ten years. Get back to you when we get back to you.” Yup, has a nice ring to it.

4. Since everyone thinks the master copies of our most-used documents come from a magic cubby in outer space, no one will miss them when I delete them from my computer. Sure hope they don’t ignore the sticky notes on the last copy that read “original: time to make copies”.

5. Finally, I hope my replacement won’t need a stapler, or dry erase markers, or computer speakers, because they’re coming with me. Since I bought them all on my own (since it wasn’t in the budget) I know everyone will understand.

In my imaginary break from torture that is a 60 hour work week, I don’t expect to get a positive reference from my selfish, conniving, condescending boss. Because I free myself from every expecting anything in return for the decade of dedicated loyalty, I’m cool with this plan. And since I don’t expect to carry it out, because I’m a creature of habit content with living in a day dream, I can sleep a little better at night.

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